Ohana Reviews

Review ~ Stuck With You

Stuck With You by Chinese_Princess

Reviewer: Kailucy

I'm so so sorry it took so long. I hope this makes up for it.

Title:4/5

I really like the title. It fits well with the genre and plot. It's short, simple and easy to remember.

Cover: 3/5

I like the fonts, but it's a little crowded. The photos themselves aren't bad but maybe blend them a little better.

Blurb: 3/5

The blurb is decent but a few sentences were hard to read. I kinda fixed it up a little, Of course you have the option to ignore this I don't want to overstep.

I can't help but be unrestrained in the world

"𝘼𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙨𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙥𝙧𝙚𝙩𝙚𝙣𝙙 𝙖𝙨 𝙣𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙥𝙚𝙣𝙚𝙙?"

"I didn't mean that"

"𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙬𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙙𝙣'𝙩 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙮 𝙥𝙖𝙨𝙩?

Love is too tormented, tangled, and troubled, I want to escape. Can't understand, frown, smile, can't sleep.

It's not perfect but as I said I didn't want to overstep so I just added a word or two.

Plot: 18/20

The plot was pretty good. I enjoyed it quite a bit. I do recommend taking the photos out. Maybe have them at the end of the chapter or before it begins but not in the middle it's distracting.

Chapter One: so far the plot is building up.

Chapter Two: Maybe take the author's pov out of this chapter? It does progress the plot a lot but seems too fast where it's placed. Overall this was an interesting chapter! It covered a lot but didn't drag on. Great move forward.

Chapter Three: The beginning was great. The second half wasn't bad but it did throw me off with the pov switch. If I'm being completely honest I think 3rd pov would move this plot forward a lot more and would fit the overall story better.

Chapter Four: The pov switch was better in this chapter. It feels different when it switches between two characters. It still feels a little rushed but isn't bad at all.

Chapter Five: I like the plot even though it's not super clear yet. I like the slower pace more than when it felt rushed. It's fine to take your time to build up.

Overall the plot isn't bad. The main idea in the first few chapters would be to capture the reader's attention. Make them want more. Make them want to see what happens next. I think you did that well. I read on wanting to see where you would take the character next.

For future reference and advice, I'll say make sure you know where you're going. Whether you need a full outline or not. I think it's crucial for a writer to know what the ending will be like. If you only plan one thing let it be the ending. That way you know where the characters end up and where the plot will be. It makes writing easier and much more engaging.

Character: 13/20

The first chapter introduced them well.I feel the next chapter that delved more into the characters was four. I'm not completely feeling the characters yet. They feel a little flat. From what I've read so far they definitely have potential but as for now, they need a little more. I do acknowledge that this is a fanfic though so maybe that is why they feel that way to me. So don't feel the need to do anything if you don't want to I'm just giving my honest opinion. I think a little more time is needed to get to know them better and to develop the relationship between them more. I think that will help to bring the characters to life and make them feel more real and relatable.

Writing Style: 17/20

Chapter One:

Great first line. A few paragraphs in the first chapter were confusing but otherwise, I like your style so far. Overall, a great beginning. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the story.

Chapter Two:

You don't have to write 'flashback' just write the scene in italics. It gets the point across.

Like i mentioned in Plot. I feel it would be best it 3rd pov. You write in it so well.

Chapter Four

Don't need to bold.

Chapter Five:

Beautiful starting descriptions. "She's everywhere..." excuse me while I cry...

Okay on a different note. You wrote that beginning wonderfully. I love descriptions I can imagine and that scene did that. I know I said whatever about 3rd person but you do pretty well in 1st as well. Maybe just spend a little more time describing settings, and sensations, and showing what the characters feel. It'll add so much to your writing. It's already good but it could be even better.

Grammar/spelling/vocabulary: 14/20

There were several mistakes. I wrote down several that I will highlight below. I most likely missed some so it won't be a bad idea to see about getting an editor or seeing if a friend could look over it. This community doesn't have editors at the moment but several others do.

For most of these, I write most of the sentence and capitalize the mistake. I won't write everything just enough to give a hint of placement. And I add quotations "" around all of the mistakes some sentences don't actually need them.

Chapter One:

"Holiday break had just FINISHED and the very first day at the... always been so ACTIVE..."

"SANDWICH"

"HUNGRY"

"Piss me OFF" add off.

"I gave him a NOD"

"No one could cope with him playing video games until midnight, disturbing their sleep or studies, or whatever they were up doing."

"HABITS"

"I can tag ALONG with you."

"Rubbing the NAPE of his neck."

Chapter Two:

Would sound more natural if it said, "I didn't want to start a conversation. Instead, I kept thinking about our past in silence as Lulu was going through her notes."

"Was admitted INTO"

"RUSHED"

"CARE LESS"

"CAREFULLY"

"EXPLANATION"

"SOME OTHER"

"PANIC"

"That was caressing his face."

"Don't joke with these things"

Chapter Three:

"He was desperate"

"PEOPLE"

"FINISHED"

Chapter Four:

"FRIDGE"

"MESSINESS"

"EACH OTHER'S"

"FEATURES"

Chapter Five:

"I wonder how's YOUR sister and her ex-boyfriend doing?"

"NONE"

"DESPICABLE"

That covers quite a few. As I said before it wouldn't be a bad idea to see about an editor. I can even help steer you to communities that do have editing shops. Just dm me if you'd like me to.

Engagement: 8/10

I did enjoy this mostly and would likely continue to see where it goes.

Overall: 80/100

Overall, you have a lot of potential. I like the plot and your writing style. I think the biggest thing to work on would be spelling. That will fix it up a lot then see about making the characters more interesting. Keep writing! Good luck with your future writing and editing!