Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ Karma

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: Karma

Author: @https_hwng

Title and Cover: The title is short and to the point. For a thriller novel, I think Karma achieves the desired effect. The cover looks pretty simple, but professional. I understand this to be a bit of a fanfiction, so I assume those interested will recognize the individual in the cover–smart idea to include their image. And the spatter behind the font helps it appear as a thriller/mystery.

Blurb: The blurb is very brief, but that seems to be a stylistic approach, so works for me! It's a good idea to highlight this as a Stray Kids fanfic, so you can reach that audience. My only suggestion would be a bit of a grammatical tip; I would place a colon ':' after sleep instead of a period, to suggest the quote was the actual text.

An official alert wakes him from his sleep: "Get to the building..Now!"

Plot Overview: The plot has a lot of potential–the idea of these two people being stuck in a workplace with a masked maniac after them sounds like a great premise for a thriller. I'm very intrigued in uncovering who this person is and what their motive is.

That being said, it felt a bit slow to get to the action. For instance, much of the first chapter felt unnecessary–I would start the story off with Jisung getting the text. Being awoken in the middle of the night, an urgent message from a friend, makes for an exciting hook! I'd be much more interested in reading on, as opposed to the intro being Jisung eating leftover noodles. I understand wanting to incorporate Jisung's backstory, but it's not exactly necessary right off the bat–I would introduce his backstory more organically in small bits, throughout the story.

Later parts, when the action starts to pick up, felt a bit unclear in moments. For example, in chapter three, a white mask appearing on a screen is first mentioned. At first, I thought this was a face in a security camera–but later on, Minho suggests no one was really there, maybe they'd hacked the system, so was it not a camera? Also, in chapter six, it was mentioned they were locked in, but again, that felt unclear to me. So, maybe highlight some of these points more to explain.

Pacing: There were moments that felt slow, such as the beginning build up to the action. But then, the exciting big action moments felt too fast! In a thriller novel, I think it's important to slow down and build suspense before those big plot-twisting moments, which you've already created many great opportunities!

For example, the first mention of the white mask–I wish this was more clearly explained to me. Like I mentioned, I didn't understand if this was a frozen image on a computer or a moving real face captured on camera. Also, later, he was called a clown, which wasn't stated earlier. So, to slow down and build suspense, I would take a beat to really describe that face Jisung was seeing. [A white face with beady black eyes, blood red circles and a matching round nose, frozen into the pixels on the screen, etc.]

Another area you could pause to build suspense would be the end of chapter five. Instead of just saying he saw a person behind the trashcan–take a moment to really explain this. What physical sensation was Jisung feeling? Hair standing on his neck, lump in throat, sweaty palms, a cold chill... And what did the figure look like? Tall and slender, short and stocky, dark or illuminated, a masked face, staring back at them or creeping around the corner...

These prolonged descriptions of big suspenseful moments help build tension and immerse readers into the story–very important when trying to convey some sort of emotion or fear.

Style and Flow: The story flows nicely, I even like the little flashback in chapter four–I'm hoping maybe this ties into the masked man and the bigger picture, so maybe even add in more of these later on.

You're a very talented writer, and I enjoy your clean writing style. There have been many nice descriptions so far too, I just want more of them!

Characters: So far, the characters aren't super distinct to me. I understand this to be a fanfiction, so most of your readers probably have a basis for these characters already, but for someone who doesn't know them, their personalities weren't super clear to me.

I understand Lee Minho to be more of a jokester, and perhaps Jisung is more mischievous? However, you have wonderfully established that the two of them are very close. I love their dynamic so far and how they play off of each other. I am intrigued to see where their journey leads.

Grammar/Spelling: There were a few minor spelling issues that I tried to mention in inline comments, but overall, this section looks pretty good! A few minor grammatical issues I would like to mention: watch your tense usage. In chapter one in particular, I noticed you switched between past and present tenses, so make sure these are consistent throughout–it looks like most of the story is in present tense, so read through and change anything in past tense to match.

Furthermore, there are a few moments where you have two different people speaking dialogue in one paragraph. You should indent and create a new section every time someone new is speaking [I noticed this error in chapter two and three].

Final thoughts: You seem to be a very talented writer with a good understanding of grammar and story-telling. I think you have a great premise–and the possibility for a really interesting mystery to unravel in regard to who this masked man is. And there are some really great suspenseful moments! I would only recommend working on building up those suspenseful moments even more to make it that much more effective. Overall, great work! And I could see this story really gaining success within the stray kids fandom. (: