Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ The Last Demonic Spirit

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: The Last Demonic Spirit

Author: @Mysterious_Peridot

Title and Cover: The title is to the point and fits the premise. Additionally, the cover matches the story well, and I love the choice of colors. It looks dark and mysterious, which is perfect.

Blurb: I like the blurb. It gets the main premise across while still being vague enough to not spoil any of the story. My only suggestion would be to place a colon instead of a semicolon in that second to last sentence (A clash of three titans: pride, love, and sin). Colons are more commonly used in this context.

Plot Overview: It seems like you've created a very complex new world for this story to take place. It's intriguing, but I only wished I had been more captivated earlier on.

For me, I had a hard time connecting with the story until chapter two where we meet Nowel. While the prologue was exciting, it was a bit confusing what was really going on. And then chapter one was kind of a slow start, in my opinion.

Chapter two is where the story really felt like it began to fall in place. Nowel is in an interesting position and her perspective is clear and digestible.

As I only read the first five chapters for my reviews, I feel as though the story was only just getting started by this point, so there wasn't a ton of plot for me to review. So far, it was mostly set-up but you have done a good job of establishing this new world and the characters' dynamics/expectations.

Pacing: The pacing feels good—if anything a bit slow, only because it felt slow to start. But scene to scene, things are well-described and paced nicely.

Style and Flow: Your writing style is enjoyable to read. Things are concise and easy to breeze through. In regards to flow, at times, the story feels disjointed.

One reason for this may be the switching from third person in chapter one to first person POV in the prologue and following chapters. It's unusual to move between the two styles, and difficult to pull off successfully. I would attempt to stick to one style throughout so as to not disorientate your readers.

Another reason the story isn't flowing as seamlessly is due to a fluctuation in tenses. Most of the story seems to be written in past tense, but there are times where sentences don't meet this format. It's jarring and causes frustration. I would recommend going through and checking each sentence to make sure everything is matching in past tense.

Characters: The characters in this novel are interesting and unique. Michael is a character we don't know much about, but you've written him in a way that's intriguing—I want to keep reading to find out more about his story.

Nowel is my favorite character so far. I love the concept of a badass princess archetype. The fact that she does combat training and is smart enough to outwit the chief makes her more likable. The scenes in chapter four, where she attempts to run off all her potential suitors is perfect for her character and helped bring her to life. I'm invested in her journey and want to see how her story intersects with Michael's.

Grammar/Spelling: Again, the main errors in the writing are the fluctuating tenses throughout. At times, these errors read as typos and other times they just don't make much sense.

Other than that, there are errors in relation to dialogue. I would recommend seeking out resources online for how to correctly punctuate dialogue, but a quick run down:

Dialogue is often connected to a dialogue tag (I said, she yelled, a man whispered, etc) with a comma. [ex: "That cat is fast," my father said.]

In your writing, sometimes you would connect dialogue to a dialogue tag with a period, which is an error. For example, in chapter four you wrote: "Answer me, You demon." He spat.

To fix this, simply place a comma after demon instead of a period and lowercase the word 'he.'

An exception to this rule is if the dialogue ends in a question mark or exclamation point before being connected to a dialogue tag. [ex: "That cat was fast!" my father said.]

In chapter three you wrote: "So, you've agreed to attend the celebration of the eye god?" He asked.

To correct this, simply lowercase the word 'he.'

Final thoughts: You've created a very unique premise for a story. The idea of demons intertwining with royals is interesting, and the concept of Michael possibly being one of a kind— a new being, is also intriguing. You've crafted a complex world and the perfect female lead, so this story is full of potential! With a bit of tweaking and sorting out the tense usage errors, I think this story could be a total standout. Great work and keep writing!