Ohana Reviews

Review- The Mute and The Celebrity

Reviewer- kinalhariya
Book- The Mute and the Celebrity
Author- panda_babyyyy

Blurb:
Starting quote is awesome. It grabs the attention of the readers. Whatever is written in the blurb is good and hooking. However it feels incomplete. After the first sentence about Paula and Joulo, there needs to be some more description about what the story is about. The last two sentences written are perfect to end the blurb.

Moving towards the story,

The Band and their performance was shown nicely. Joulo's behaviour seems different. I wonder whether there is a back story to it.

Character description at the start is good, but I would personally suggest adding that in actions/dialogues rather than just informing about it outright. Or else making a separate chapter for character info also works. In case you still want to keep this style, then I would suggest making a character description paragraph for the female lead as well in the next chapter. That way it would look like a writing style.

First chapter is written nicely and it flows well. However, nothing exciting happens in that chapter that would urge readers to stay hooked.

Paula seems like a sweet character. I wouldn't be able to keep smiling if someone kept berating the place I lived in. Smiling throughout everything seemed a bit unusual to me. But it must be her unique personality.

She is kind too. Walking miles to help a stranger.

Joulo really has a strange way of thanking people😂😂.

The part where James and Joulo spoke and his girlfriend was angry- I feel this part should have been expanded a bit. The part looked incomplete to me. It seemed to come out of nowhere and end too fast without giving actual meaning of having added that scene.

Grace's actions are emotional as well as suspicious. I am really curious to find out who these men are and why she is sending Paula away with a lie.

I thought Joulo was just aloof at first but his personality keeps getting worse as chapters go by. I seriously feel bad for Jamie.

The shock Paula received was shown really well. Moreover, now she feels like she is a burden to her family. This part is portrayed well. However, I would also suggest showing how she tries to adjust in that home before the school scene comes up.

It was like a movie scene when Paula went up and sat beside Joulo. The way the guys pestered her with questions was fun to read.

It seemed they all naturally felt close to her. Although they had just met. This was shown nicely in actions without wording it out much.

I like her nickname: Pau-pau

The doctor seemed to know Paula. Has she been in the city before for treatments and stuff? I thought it was her first time coming to the city.

Just my opinion- Although popular, Jamie's character hadn't been shown too badly at first. But after Paula's arrival, it took a u-turn. It seemed like the cheerleader stereotype was forced upon. Making her seem bad, so readers would look more favorably to Joulo and Paula's budding chemistry.

*****
Characterization is good but has the potential to improve. The character arcs are great. They have their unique and different personalities. Especially Paula's character who keeps smiling, no matter what she goes through. However, I feel a connection to the readers is lacking a bit. I would suggest working on emotions and expressions.

World building is good. Their band is described well. And Paula's first home and its surroundings were shown well too. Their backgrounds do have an effect on their personalities and it is portrayed well.

Writing style seems decent but has the potential to improve. The words flow smoothly. However, the constant change of POV and scene changes in a chapter might break the flow. I would advise against making more than two changes in a single chapter.

I feel some of the background information about Paula and her condition had been just provided in a flow, not giving it the importance it deserved. Some expressions, emotions after the information was delivered or found out would be good. (Talking about her parent's death and her cancer).

Concept is interesting. However, there are some minor plot holes. I have pointed out some of them below.

Plot holes:
1)In the second chapter, when the main leads met: It was shown Paula apologized for the small room, before cleaning. However, she can't speak. And in the next very lines it was shown that she just kept smiling instead of replying which actually goes with the storyline. So look into it.

2) Grace asked him to see the sunset, but it was already dark when he arrived.

3) Eighth chapter- It was James who got out of the car, but then it was shown that Joulo lifted her up.

Grammar:
Some conjunctions and punctuations are missing. But not too much that would hinder the readers from understanding the sentence.

Fluctuating tenses.

Chapter 4:

Typo curious is written as curios..

Chapter 7:

She is welcome to this class
→I believe it should be- She is new to this class

Other than these minor errors, the story was grammatically well-written.

Last words,

I found the idea of the story interesting. I liked what I read, but there's still room for improvement. A good try for a first draft.

Thanks for choosing me. Keep writing!