Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ Ma and The Magical Kingdom

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: Ma and The Magical Kingdom

Author: @Hirani_Amisha

Title and Cover: The title lets readers know right away this will be a fantasy novel, which is a plus. It also matches the cover nicely, which looks professional and clean. Additionally, the font was a nice choice, suited for a fantasy novel. Everything looks good here!

Blurb: The blurb doesn't contain any major visible errors, however, I felt very overwhelmed after reading it. In that small section, there were a lot of new terms introduced [the picks, JEOPARDY, 'Jealousy', 'The Moon'], which made it difficult to understand.

In my opinion, blurbs should be brief! This means, it's okay to not describe every detail of this new world–just give us the premise of the story. Are they going on a new journey? Are they fighting evil? We don't need to know the names of the exact names of these evil forces or even every character, those can be introduced organically within the story. This way, readers can understand what the story is about, without being scared away from too much information in the blurb.

Plot Overview: In my opinion, the first chapter started off a bit slow. I had even noticed in the notes at the bottom, you had apologized for a boring first chapter–but there's no need for the introduction to be boring! There were moments talked about in there, that could be fleshed out into some interesting scenes.

For example, I would jump straight into some action–they could be bustling about to catch their train. Where are they going? This could be intriguing to the readers. I would recommend more dialogue and action to introduce the children and their personalities, so that readers can connect with them, and become invested in their future journey. Additionally, towards the end, when you wrote Mi had become selfish–this could be another great opportunity for a fleshed out scene. Give us some dialogue, show us their argument and him asking for more.

Overall, the first chapter did a lot of telling, and we need more showing! There are many great resources online, videos on Youtube, about showing vs telling–I'd recommend checking them out! They've been a big help to me and helped enhance my writing.

The later chapters, two and three, displayed much more showing, so great job there! These chapters were more exciting and engaging because of that. It was nice to see the children in action and learning about a new kingdom.

Pacing: The pacing of the first chapter was a bit slow, as already discussed. But the remaining two seemed to be on a good pace, so no real worries here. Although, based on the blurb, it seems their real journey hasn't quite begun, so I would be expecting them to head to the new kingdom/school very soon!

Style and Flow: There is clear potential for your writing style. You describe things wonderfully and are able to communicate a clear image to your readers. The main issue I'm having as a reader is that I'm unable to fully immerse myself into the story due to the jumping POV's. The switch from first person to third person is a bit jarring.

There are limitations to all POV's, which is what I'm thinking you are running into. So, I understand it can be tempting to just jump between the two! But unfortunately, this causes more problems than it solves, as it can read as disjointed and jumbled. I would recommend researching the two POV styles, and landing on one that you believe best suits your story. Due to the amount of characters, it seems third person may be the best. But that's up to you!

Characters: I enjoy the concept of three siblings and watching that dynamic unfold throughout their journey. Right now, my only main concern is I don't have a clear understanding of them as individuals.

There are no real defining characteristics of each sibling. It would be nice if by this point, I understood more about them as individuals, instead of a group as a whole. Maybe one is the brave sibling, one is fearful or goofy, etc. This would make readers more invested in them, and help me keep them straight.

Additionally, there hasn't been much description towards their appearance. This could be another way readers could remember who was who. Just some ideas!

Grammar/Spelling: I did not notice any major spelling errors, so great job! The main repeated grammatical error I noticed was in reference to dialogue. This can be a tricky thing to nail, so again I would recommend finding more resources online to help with this. But, a few tips:

Dialogue should be placed within double quotations, "Like this." You tend to use single quotes, 'Like this.'

Additionally, a new paragraph should be started every time a different person starts to speak. In chapter two and three, there were long paragraphs of dialogue where all of the siblings were talking in the same section. When Ami is talking, it should be in one section, but the second Anu wants to speak, a new paragraph should be created.

Also, commas should connect dialogue to dialogue tags (he said, she whispered, etc). [Example: "We all cannot dream the same," Yash says.] You had a period after same, and I noticed this a few times! Only use a period when there is no dialogue tag, but instead a reference to action. [Example: "Now, let's see. Show up." The wave of energy transfers.] In the text of chapter three, you had placed a comma after Show Up.

If this doesn't make any sense, let me know and I can try to explain further.

Other: One other small thing, I would make sure to watch your tense usage. What I mean is, make sure you stick to one tense throughout the story: past or present. There seems to be a mix of the two–the first chapter is mostly past, the second starts in past then heads to present, and the third is present.

Final thoughts: Overall, I think this story has a lot of potential. It's clear you have big ideas and a wonderful imagination–there's the opportunity for readers to be completely transported into a whole new world through this story! And you're a good writer! Great descriptions and fun dialogue. I think there are just a few grammatical/structural issues standing in the way of your writing. But once those things are tweaked, your writing will really shine! Keep working at it, and don't get discouraged. (: