Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ The Dating Proposal

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: The Dating Proposal

Author: @imaginator33

Title and Cover: The title is fitting and explains the premise pretty simply. Only advice would be to capitalize "Proposal" in the title. The cover is clean, easy to read, and looks like a real romance cover. No complaints here!

Blurb: I like the premise of the blurb, introducing the characters like they're action heroes. You're able to get their personalities across while being a bit cheeky, which is nice. After the introductions, it runs a bit long.

The blurb should be quick and concise, so I would recommend condensing the next two sections. One idea could be something like this: "They both live in two opposite worlds, which were never meant to collide–until their families set them up, leaving them with no choice."

Additionally, that one sentence standing alone as a question feels a bit long. Maybe cut that last part to read, "Would sparks be felt or would it all end in tragedy?"

These are just a few ideas--there's nothing inherently wrong, however!

Plot Overview: So, first off, I really like the premise. I'm a sucker for a staged relationship plot, and the enemies to lovers arc makes for the potential of a great story.

After reading the first five chapters, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with how much is going on. There are jumping point of views, flashbacks, and secrets. It's a lot to keep straight–but the good thing is it's not boring, and it's clear you have many big ideas for this story.

I would just say to make sure everything will end up tying back together neatly. There's no room for unnecessary tid-bits in this already complicated plot. Additionally, pay close attention to the format, and how–or when, you choose to introduce new ideas and subplots.

Pacing: The pacing feels a bit rushed for me. Perhaps it's partly due to how much is packed into those first five chapters.

For instance, the introduction to the main premise felt too casual. When Ace's family states he's going to date Quinn, it came out of left-field. I think it should have felt like more of a serious, sit down conversation. How did they know Quinn? Why would they pick her out of all girls? I get the feeling there's more behind their reasoning than the readers are supposed to know right now, but the family should have presented a better or clearer cover story to Ace.

And, perhaps there should have been more back and forth/conflict between agreeing to the arrangement–the same goes for Quinn.

The main question I had for Quinn was why would her family want her to date Ace? Do they even know him? Particularly, her father–who seemed to be kind and protective of his daughter. Why would he tell her to date him, if he didn't know him? Perhaps there could be a mention of them knowing each other; maybe they golfed together, and he thought he was a nice guy or something.

I just think with a bit of care, the pacing could be slowed down by fleshing out some of those plot holes.

Style and Flow: Your writing is wonderful–clear and descriptive. For tackling such a complex plot, it does flow pretty nicely. The only thing is, at times, the jumping POV's can feel a bit jarring. I would recommend switching between characters less and focus on fleshing out one side before switching it up.

And when you do switch up, make sure that's made clear within the first few sentences. At times, I had a difficult time picturing the words in my head because I didn't know who we were talking about.

Characters: There are a lot of characters in this story, but I do think you've done a nice job of reiterating their relationships with others to make it easier to remember. For instance, Ace's cousins are repeatedly stated as being his cousins, which is helpful. I would recommend giving each character, especially side characters, one defining characteristic to help readers remember easier, since there are so many. For instance, maybe one has wild hair, or a permanent scowl, etc.

Ace feels like a well-established character. You've effectively set him up as a cocky, womanizer. And, it's clear his family dynamic is complicated, which lends a bit of sympathy. I understand him clearly, so job well done.

Quinn feels a bit more complicated. She's a famous actress, but she doesn't seem to fit the stereotypical starlite mold. I'm interested in learning more about her personality.

Grammar/Spelling: I didn't notice many spelling errors, however, there are a few repeated grammatical errors I would like to mention.

For one, there were a few instances of run-on sentences. This may be a stylistic choice, which is fine. But, be careful they don't come across as too overwhelming. I noticed many in chapter one; for example, the fourth section discussing Quinn's nails. It's okay to use more periods and create smaller sentences. It reads cleaner!

Another repeated error was your usage of dialogue tags. I would recommend finding some online resources on the matter, but a quick run down:

When using a dialogue tag (he said, she stuttered, my mother asked) after a comma, the tag should be lowercase. [ex: "I already explained this," he said.]

When using a dialogue tag after a punctuation, the tag should also be lowercase. [ex: "How could you do this?" she exclaimed.]

You tend to capitalize most of your tags.

Last small note, there were a few instances where you used an underline '__' when a dash ' – ' would have been more appropriate. You can use dashes when cutting off someone's dialogue. [ex: "Yes, I'm at–" ]

Final thoughts: Overall, I really did enjoy reading! It's clear you've established a fan base already and I understand why. You're full of innovative ideas and are able to weave together a masterful story of complex details. I think once the characters and backstory have been established, the story will really begin to shine, so I'm interested in reading on and discovering more secrets, which I'm sure are to come.

Again, you're a talented writer already–my review only consists of suggestions. I'm not interested in telling anyone how to write. But thanks for stopping by and requesting a review (: