Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ Moth Light

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: Moth Light

Author: @theRavensWritingd3sk

Title and Cover: The title is intriguing and dark, which seems perfectly suited for the premise of the story. The cover is clean and professional. It has perfectly encapsulated a dark fantasy romance novel. And I'm obsessed with the title font. Great work!

Blurb: The content provided in the blurb is nice. You haven't given too much away, but at the same time, have explained enough of the story to intrigue me. It's also written in a poetic way that shows off your unique writing style, letting readers know exactly what to expect from your writing.

My only suggestions are in regard to punctuation. In the second section, where you say the word 'danger,' I would put that comma inside the quotes. And, in the very last sentence, I would place a colon after 'consume them both' instead of a semicolon. Then, in that last question, maybe remove the comma altogether: Do you follow your head or your heart?

If you placed it there for more of a dramatic pause, I would consider: Do you follow your head or do you follow your heart?

Plot Overview: You've set the perfect tone for your story–club Sapiens is a wonderfully imagined venue. The whole vibe is dark, dingey and vibey, from the red neon lights to the themed cocktails. It's a perfect example of how setting can add to the plot!

Having only read three chapters, there isn't a ton of plot to dive into, but I enjoyed what I did read. The club scene was entertaining and our main duo's first meeting was awkward and tense–that's meant in a good way. I appreciate that they didn't immediately hit it off, as it created tension that kept me intrigued.

Also, the fantasy element is handled nicely. You haven't given large information dumps about how mystical beings exist in this world, instead you've introduced bits and pieces gradually. For a moment, I felt confused, but it wasn't long before I was able to piece it all together. Nice work!

Pacing: The pacing felt nice. You spent a good couple of chapters going super in depth for one scene, and since it was a pretty major scene, this felt appropriate. You've nicely mixed together dialogue, action, and narrative elements, which has helped keep the pacing on track.

Style and Flow: You have a unique writing style–you're almost poetic in the way you write, and you create vivid descriptions that perfectly convey the mood you're trying to set. My only critique comes in how you formulate your sentences. At times, they run quite long, which can muddy down the content. Sometimes, they feel rambly or confusing to read. For instance, chapter one you wrote: The woman had been standing in her tiny cluttered bedroom for more than an hour, rifling through a pile of clothes that never quite made it to the wardrobe and sat in various dubiously ironed states as they were moved between the bed and the chair besides it as required.

Let's try breaking that sentence down into more digestible bites: For hours, the woman had been standing in her tiny, cluttered bedroom. She rifled through piles of clothes that had never quite made it to the wardrobe. Instead, the clothes had been moved between the bed and the chair, where they would sit in various dubiously ironed states.

Creating a number of smaller sentences (or a combination of small and large sentences) can make what you're trying to say clearer and more direct. Another tip for breaking down larger sentences: look for areas where you've incorrectly joined phrases–let me explain. Take the following two, hypothetical sentences: Running across the yard, I clutched my car keys OR Running across the yard, I climbed into my truck. Sentence one makes sense, as a person can both run and hold their keys simultaneously; but sentence two doesn't make sense, as a person cannot both be running and climbing into their truck at the same time.

There are times where you link together actions as if they're happening simultaneously, when in reality, they are a sequence of events. For instance, in chapter one, where Eula gets bumped into–the whole scene of the man bumping into her, glass spilling on her blouse, her gasping and stepping backwards, it's written as if those things all happened at one time. While the interaction was quick–it still happened as a sequence, so I would go through and create some smaller sentences (like before) to make that clearer.

Characters: First impressions, I like both of our main characters. I appreciate the amount of set-up behind Eula's character, as we got to see her home life and a glimpse into her inner dialogue. She's a homebody, and more reserved, which is a fun contrast to our other main character.

Mathias is a growly, brooding man. He's direct and unapologetic–traits that seem to bother Eula. I think the two will play off of each other well, and I'm interested in seeing if Eula can soften Mathias up. Nice job introducing these two!

Grammar/Spelling: There were a few minor typos that I noticed, but those can be easily fixed in an edit! Also, there are times where your sentences read as incomplete, so I'd keep an eye on that as well. For example, in chapter two: Shrugging his shoulders at Matthias before glancing down the bar, nodding at some patrons who had just arrived at turning his attention back to the broader, older man before him. Both sections of this sentence read as incomplete phrases–sometimes this can be okay if it's stylistic and follows a rhythm within the paragraph, but this one doesn't. So, to fix, I'd consider breaking down the lengthy run-on: He shrugged his shoulders and glanced down the bar. Some patrons had just arrived; he nodded at them before turning back to the older man before him.

The only other error I noticed was in regard to dialogue. I would recommend seeking out resources online for how to appropriately punctuate dialogue, but I'll provide some examples from the text. In chapter one, you wrote: "Any sharps, liquids or illicit substances I should know about?" He asked... In this sentence, 'he asked' is a dialogue tag, so technically we treat this whole phrase as one sentence (meaning 'he' should be lowercase).

Also in chapter one, you wrote: "I mean, she's not wrong, this was pulled out of the washing pile," Eula smiled as she leaned against the bar. In this sentence, 'Eula smiled' is not a dialogue tag (you can't smile a word), so it shouldn't be treated as such. Instead, a period should be placed after 'pile,' and continue on with the next sentence as normal.

Final thoughts: You've created a fun, vivid new world with dynamic characters. I could see this type of story finding a lot of success on Wattpad. You're a talented writer with a knack for creating a vibe through imagery. My only big advice is to go through, and line edit–make sure each sentence is clear and concise. You can keep your flair, but make sure you haven't lost the purpose of the sentence. Other than that, great work and hope you keep writing!