Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ Cruel Empathy

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: Cruel Empathy

Author: @EmmeMoore86

Title and Cover: The title is intriguing–a fun play on words as the words 'cruel' and 'empathy' don't exactly go together. Additionally, the cover is quite nice. It really conveys a fantasy romance type of novel. And the title text reads very clean.

Blurb: I appreciate how concise the blurb is. The content is great–conveys the main points, without any unnecessary information. Because of this, I think it could be tweaked to read even cleaner. For instance, the last sentence runs a bit long. I would maybe end the sentence after 'warlock', and then create a new one: "He calls her a mage–and claims to have been waiting on her."

Also, I like the excerpt you chose to include. It showcases your writing and is intriguing without spoiling!

Plot Overview: I really enjoyed the chapters I was able to read through (1-4). I never found myself bored–in fact, I was compelled to keep reading. You have a knack for writing cliffhangers; each chapter left off with me wondering what was about to happen next. Great work there!

I love the premise of this story, with Anna having this mysterious gift. And I really like the twist of this man appearing, seeming to know her, but yet she's unable to read him. A very unique story, and so far, you've weaved in many exciting plot points.

Pacing: The pacing feels great, to me. Nothing is moving too quickly, but at the same time, the story is far from boring. All seems good here.

Style and Flow: Your writing style is enjoyable to read. You write clean and concise sentences, which make for a quick read. But, at the same time, you provide adequate descriptions. I would say, in some points though, there are moments that could be even more enhanced with imagery. For instance, the introductory paragraph in chapter two borders on 'telling' as opposed to 'showing.'

You write: She heard swords crashing, men yelling... Generally, I advise avoiding words such as 'she heard, she smelled, she saw.' Instead, just describe the sounds: metal clanging against metal, shrieks of agony, etc. This helps immerse your readers in that battle scene.

And then in that same spot, you wrote: she felt such overwhelming feelings. This sentence doesn't evoke any reaction within me. Try describing the sensations in a way to make readers really feel it. I think this is such an important scene, it could use the extra descriptors to make that battle field feel vivid and alive.

Characters: At first, I wasn't sure I would like Anna. She seems frail and skittish, stuttering over her words. But then, when she was taken by Rye, she began to showcase how cunning she can be by attempting to trick him back to the lake. This is where I started to like her! And then even more when she finally fought back and gave him attitude. I sense her character will develop even more over time, and I'd be eager to read more.

Additionally, I appreciate the complexity of Ryevin. At first, he seems wicked due to the way we are introduced to him. But it quickly becomes clear there is more to the story than the readers are aware of, and he seems to care a lot for Anna already. So, I'm intrigued, and I want to know more about his secrets.

Grammar/Spelling: I left a few suggestions in inline comments–just so it would be easiest for you to find, not trying to be nitpicky! (:

A few repeated grammatical errors I noticed throughout: One, I would pay close attention to your comma usage. At times, you omit necessary commas. For example, commas are needed after introductory words such as 'suddenly.' This was present in chapter one, where you wrote: Suddenly she was jerked..." Again, the sentence after that one, you wrote: Panicking she fought to rise to the surface. Commas should be placed after 'suddenly' and 'panicking.'

And the main repeated error I saw was in reference to dialogue tags. To clarify, dialogue tags are things such as 'she said, he exclaimed, the man scolded." And as you know, we write tags like this: "The cat ran fast," he said.

But when the dialogue ends in punctuation, the tag should still remain the same, lowercase, like this: "That cat ran fast!" he said.

I noticed in your writing, you tend to capitalize the tag if the dialogue ended with punctuation. Some examples from your text are from chapter 1.2, where you wrote: "Help!" She managed to call out. Or again where you wrote: What is this?" The largest of the men bellowed.

In both situations, the tag after the punctuation should be lowercase ["Help!" she managed to call out.] So, if you care to correct this very small matter, I would recommend reading through to change them out, because I did notice it throughout.

Final thoughts: Overall, I really enjoyed the first five chapters. I'm intrigued by the premise, and I'm already growing fond of the main characters and their dynamic. I think you're a very talented writer and love the way you kept me engaged throughout. I'd be interested in reading on, so great work! (: