Ohana Reviews

Review- Timelines Collide

Reviewer- kinalhariya
Book- Timelines Collide
Author- CloneRazorX155

Prologue:

It provides us with the information that we would need to know about what happened and how the new world and its beings were formed. What I really like about it is that even though it is informative, it isn't boring. The ending sentence created a great hook as well.

Moving towards the chapters,

Great opening. Thoughtful yet factual, and unique too.

Quick question- Has some of the plot changed even in the story written in first person? I don't remember any other member named apart from Joseph, but here we have Ethan too, who is on the radar of Joseph.

I am wondering whether the plot was changed or just my memory is faulty😅😅

As it has been a long time, I only remember bits and pieces from before. I keep going back and forth between the stories to see which one suits better. While the descriptions and the dialogues are almost the same, the way of showing them has changed. Although different, both are interesting enough.

_______
I really laughed off at this sentence:

He slides himself over like a chair in the office, shoving his face into the monitor, making love.
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The way the poetry is shown portraying the significance of the character is awesome. It shows off their personality in such a rhythmic way.

The fight is brilliantly described. Everything is in a frenzy yet everything is clear. Third person makes much more sense in this part, as no character has the time to look into detail what others are doing.

I loved how the chapter 'Lingering Reminder' ended. A single sentence yet it managed to evoke emotions.

*****

Characters
These characters made their place into my heart even if they were in the story for a limited time. Story is still of Joseph's even in third person, and it comes off nicely as well.

World building

A whole new world is formed and yet it is easy to imagine it. The descriptions are really good. Not only the surroundings, but the weapons and the enemies, everything is described brilliantly.

Plot
I don't think I need to say much about the plot, having gushed about it enough in the past. From the start, the story has held my interest. I was on my edge during the whole fight and really teared up when the members died. The whole thing was written so smoothly. However, I found the part after the fight a bit dull and fast. Lincoln and Joseph's conversation, although nice, seemed a little out of place to me after such a huge event. Something to be a bridge between the both events would be a nice addition.

Grammar:
★Look out for fluctuating tenses. They keep switching with every other sentence.

★Commas are needed at many places. Their absence is making the otherwise correct sentences look wrong.

1) Sometimes Ethan us lads can't tell what's shinier.

→ Sometimes Ethan, us lads can't tell what's shinier.

2) Tell you what, how about we split a drink because I am not trying to get wasted out here between you and me.

→Tell you what, how about we split a drink between you and me, because I am not trying to get wasted out here.

★Full stops are missing at a lot of places.

★Typo

First chapter
Deep blue sees
→I think it was meant to be- Deep blue seas

★There are some words whose first letter is capitalized after a comma.

Eg: First, He looks.....

Suggestion
In first chapter
At one point, Heavy calls Silverback a bum....

Seeing as this is going to be in third person, you can also convert these types of sentences into dialogues, to give more screen space to other characters.

Last words,

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your work. The story is interesting and intriguing. I had assumed that I wouldn't enjoy it much as I have already read it before, but I had the same amount of excitement of not more while reading this.

Having read both, first person and third person, I found each of the styles acceptable for this story. There is no better one for this story- in these terms they are equal. However you have mentioned that this will become a quadrilogy, so it's totally up to you to decide which style is easier to write.

Very well written, keep up the good work.

Thanks for choosing me. Keep writing!!