Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ The Alpha's Huntress Part Two

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: The Alpha's Huntress

Author: @jspruill1130

Title and Cover: I think the cover has changed since my last review–and I like this one too! The colors are nicely contrasting, and it looks professional. Also, the title and art clearly showcase this book to be a werewolf type of story.

Blurb: I like all the changes here! The blurb contains relevant information and sounds intriguing. One part I think could be cleaned up is that first sentence in the second paragraph, as it feels a bit wordy. A suggestion would be to write: Rook could not be more pleased with the news of a captured Huntress.

Also, I would maybe place a dash–after 'only hope' in the very last sentence to clarify that 'only redemption' is more of a correction than an interrupter.

Plot Overview: I am enjoying the rewrite. I think the first chapter really captured more of Evelyn's personality and experience with werewolves–making her dislike for them much more understandable off the bat. It immediately drew me in and I love the ending of chapter one!

Also, I enjoy how the action seemed to pick up quicker. And the action scenes are descriptive and easy to picture in my head. I appreciate the vivid imagery of Eve's first encounter with a werewolf in chapter three. If anything, I would maybe suggest somehow ending on a cliffhanger in chapter three–I love that first section break in chapter four (where her world goes black). If chapter three ended on that note, I'd have to keep reading more!

Additionally, chapter five was fun to finally meet Rook. I like the refreshing change of POV and I think you introduced this new character, and his complicated backstory with the hunters, wonderfully. I'm interested in seeing how this all plays out.

Pacing: The pacing felt better, in my opinion. I felt more engaged throughout the story and it felt like every scene served to move the story forward. And great job writing that first action scene in chapter three as oftentimes writers pace these scenes too quickly–but yours was paced nicely with vivid descriptions.

Style and Flow: Again, your writing style is enjoyable to read. Everything is clean and easy to follow, and it all flowed nicely from one point to the next.

Characters: Evelyn's character is much clearer after the rewrite. She is spunky and stubborn, and a bit impulsive. And I love that hunting down the Alpha was Evelyn's idea. I appreciate the way you've woven in her backstory, which showcases her distaste for werewolves.

Evelyn's father feels very protective, which makes sense after what we know about his wife. I like how he was wanting to keep his daughter safe and was emotional over them getting ready to head out. This feels very realistic.

Rook is an interesting character. I think it was smart to first introduce him to the readers through an interaction with the abandoned pup he took in–this shows he's capable of empathy, and may truly have a good heart. Also, I like the way you introduced his beef with the Del Val's. I'm excited for him to meet our Huntress.

Grammar/Spelling: I didn't notice any major spelling errors–however, the main repeated grammatical error was in reference to dialogue tags. These can be tricky to nail down, but once you do, it's a clear indicator to me that a writer grasps grammar and is an avid reader themselves.

So, as a general rule of thumb, dialogue and their dialogue tags (I said, she screamed, my father whispered), are connected by commas and the tag is lowercase. Like this: "That cat ran fast," my father said.

HOWEVER, if the dialogue ends in punctuation (meaning a question mark or an exclamation point), then the tag MUST still remain lowercase. Like this: "That cat ran fast!" my father said.

In your writing, there were many inconsistencies in this. For one, you tend to connect dialogue to dialogue tags with periods, which should not happen UNLESS there is no dialogue tag present, and instead there is a reference to action. Like this: "That cat ran fast." He jumped atop the table.

Examples of error in your writing include this excerpt from chapter one: "What's happening to me?" He croaked in a raspy voice. [To fix this, simply spell 'he' in all lowercase.]

Another is in chapter one: "Wolf Humanoid." He sputtered... [To fix this, simply place a comma after humanoid instead of a period and lowercase the word 'he']

One last error is that you switch from past to present tense. Most of the story is in past tense, but the first third of chapter three is written in present tense [you use words such as 'I say, he says, I roll my eyes, father walk in' which indicate present tense].

Make sure the story in its entirety is written in the same tense for consistency.

Other: I think I mentioned this in my first review, but worth noting again, you use a lot of phrases such as 'i heard, i felt, etc.' Generally, I advise against using these phrases as they are unnecessary and place distance between the reader and the sensations.

In chapter one, there are so many of these phrases and it could be so much more vivid and immersive without them! Your write: I heard a cracking sound as his leg bent and snapped. By removing the phrase 'I heard,' and just writing something like, 'The sound of bones cracking filled my ears as his body contorted, leg snapping in two."

It's more vivid, AND it helps remove 'I' sentences, which in your story I noticed many of your sentences are formulated beginning with the word 'I." This can begin to feel repetitive, and while it is difficult to completely remove them when writing in first person, getting rid of phrases such as 'I felt, I heard, I watched,' can be a good place to start!

Final thoughts: Overall, I think this is a fun take on a werewolf story. It's interesting that neither of the main characters are necessarily werewolves, but the creatures still play such a vital role in the story. I think the rewrite was effective in keeping my attention, and I already have a much clearer idea of all the characters involved. You're a very talented writer, and I hope you get the recognition you deserve! Keep writing. (: