Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ Spiderman and Spinneret

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: Spiderman and Spinneret

Author: @wandwitch2bruchulk

Title and Cover: The title captures the fandom you are trying to reach–it clearly conveys this is a spiderman fanfic and the appropriate audience will be able to find you. The cover achieves the same effect. It also looks very clean and professional. Great work here!

Blurb: The blurb is very brief and doesn't contain much information about the storyline. This may be intentional, which is fine! But there are a few changes I would suggest to make it read cleaner. One option could be: 'MJ fell into a coma after unexpected events. When she awoke, something had changed.'

Also, the next sentence reads: 'The only one who can help him...' If this is still referring to MJ, it should read 'help her' and if not referring to MJ, I'd make that more clear!

Plot Overview: I would like to state that I have never watched a single marvel movie, so with that being said, I am a bit lost in many parts of this story!

In regards to the plot specifically, there is so much going on! On one hand, it's great–so much action and never a dull moment. On the other hand, it's a little overwhelming and the storyline becomes a bit muddy.

There are so many characters and jumping around to small, specific moments that I got a bit lost. Which is unfortunate because it's clear you have so much love for this universe and so much passion for this story. My advice would be to pull back, hone in on a few aspects to craft a really magnificent story. It will read cleaner and be more effective if the focus is more narrow, instead of so many disjointed moving parts.

If all of those parts are necessary, and eventually weave into a larger story, then I would suggest making the structure of the plot cleaner and more concise. Meaning, really develop those little plot moments with characters like Wanda or Thor–fully describe them and their scenery. Make them strong enough to stand on their own and maybe even be their own separate chapters.

Pacing: The story is super fast paced, mainly because there is so much happening. So, the story never gets a chance to breathe. To help slow parts down, I would recommend adding in some more details.

For instance, in chapter four when the earthquake occurs, there is a line that reads: they all passed out. I would suggest taking a beat to explain what the characters are seeing and feeling as this can help slow down the pacing and add clarity.

Another opportunity for explanation is in chapter five. A line reads: Agatha is about to kidnap Morgan. Instead of just stating this, explain what actions are taking place that would show this is happening. These added descriptors will slow down the pacing, making the story more digestible for your readers.

Style and Flow: The story right now feels a bit disjointed to me. One reason for this may be the jumping around between characters and subplots. For instance, in chapter two the scene about Natasha and Wanda and Jane having a baby came out of left field. I wonder if they were necessary to be placed right then and there, or if there would be a way to integrate them more seamlessly.

Additionally, there are many moments where time jumps are signaled by a phrase reading, 'an hour later.' Sometimes, this isn't necessary as the text itself can imply a time jump, and spelling it out can make the story feel choppy.

Another note: the word 'meanwhile' is used repeatedly to switch course. Perhaps, search some synonyms to switch up the wording as it feels repetitive at times.

Characters: There are so many characters! Again, as someone who has no idea about the marvel universe, I couldn't keep them all straight as there was little description or introductions to them. But, I assume most people reading your story would already have this knowledge and this wouldn't be an issue.

However, more description can never hurt! Try describing people's appearance: hair color, eye color, freckled noses or lopsided smiles. These things can bring your characters to life!

Grammar/Spelling: I had read in the introduction English is not the authors' first language, so keeping that in mind, the story is pretty well written. There are certain times where sentences read a bit funny, or a typo may be present, but readers will still be able to follow along.

The main grammatical issue I had trouble with was with your tense usage. The story switches between past and present tense throughout, which can be a bit jarring to read. For instance, in chapter one a sentence reads: Peter replied, "I hope you enjoy this." But then in the next paragraph, a sentence reads: She opens the small box...MJ says, "I love this."

'Replied' infers past but then 'opens' and 'says' refers present. So, I would recommend picking one tense (it seems most is in past) and then going through to make sure everything matches.

Additionally, there are times when your dialogue tags are grammatically incorrect. Dialogue tags are things such as 'she said, my friend remarked, shouted Peter.' As you know, dialogue tags are lowercase after commas: "The cat ran fast," said Peter. But, they are also lowercase after punctuation, like this: "That cat ran fast!" said Peter.

There are times where you have capitalized the dialogue tags. For instance, in chapter one, a sentence reads: "Use the damn door like a normal person!" Yelled by Harry. It should read: "Use the damn door like a normal person!" yelled by Harry.

Final thoughts: Overall, your passion for this Marvel universe is what stands out for me. It's clear you have so much knowledge of this world, and if anyone could write a brilliant fanfic-type novel about this world, it would be you! My only real suggestion is to pull back a bit–no need to include every character or great idea that you have. Focus on a clean plot and story structure to make your wonderful ideas really shine. I'm certain you have a bright future and others who love this world will find so much happiness from your writing. So, keep it up! It was a fun read–maybe I should watch these movies after all? (: