Ohana Reviews

Review- Beyond what meets the eye

Reviewer- kinalhariya
Book- Beyond what meets the eye.
Author- jl5040

Blurb:
Blurb is short yet effective. It lets us know about the main lead while keeping the readers intrigued about what is going to happen. It also shows the key points like popular, millionaire, mafia, etc that will attract the readers easily as these topics are usually most trending.

One thing you might have to work out is run down. Those sentences would look better if they are separated into two or some even three different sentences, instead of being joined by commas. Otherwise, a good blurb.

Moving towards the chapters,

Nice start. It shows the main lead's capabilities and also the frustration behind the rules. The first paragraph creates a great hook.

Studying but not able to grasp it that well. The part is described well. It feels realistic too. Her relationship with her dad, the fame that comes with his name and her wish to put it all behind; all those things were shown beautifully.

Pickles sounds really cute.

Not having rude customers in a cafe, the girl is surely lucky.

There are little things about her shown in different cases that add up to her personality.

The tutoring session was nice to read. It wasn't anything extravagant but still seemed like an interesting conversation. The guy seemed polite too. Like Mira, even I was expecting him to look down on her for her incapabilities, but he was surprisingly really nice to her. I would suggest showing more of this part in action. This is good right now, but it can get better. Like you can show her getting frustrated about not knowing, him slowing down and explaining her more thoroughly, her excitement when she finally gets it right.

What her boyfriend and his friend did to her was a shocker. However, her reaction when he first entered didn't make it seem like something so scary must have happened. I feel showing either fear or uncontrollable anger would do better before they go off to talk.

I found it really weird that it was decided to not let him near her when he slapped her, and not when he had done so much worse before.

The conversation between her and Adrian was fun to read.

The emotions when she sat in the place she usually sat with her mom, and remembered her was beautifully shown. It was really heartbreaking when she questioned why her mother did that and if she wasn't enough.

I also found the fact about acting strong in front of others and then falling apart when alone realistic. It was portrayed well.

The game was described well. It was easy to visualize it. Her look, her expressions after the game were showcased well. The Cliffhanger at the end of a happy chapter was best too. It made me eager to rush towards the next chapter.

Why does it feel to me that Pickles was fed something wrong on purpose? Let's see what happens.

While scenes with Xavier are cute, the scenes with Adrian are always fun to read.

Things are picking up now. What started as a cute, fun read is now turning mysterious. I am really sitting on the edge to find out what happens next.

I was putting my bets on Adrian being the bad guy. The twist really shocked me. It was quite unpredictable. A great job done.

Adrian's reaction to Pickles was hilarious.

The drive was scary. Her panic and shakiness were portrayed brilliantly.

******

Characterization is done nicely. We can connect to the characters and also visualize the scenes. Though there's still potential to show more emotions in actions than in words(especially in the starting chapters).

Concept is interesting and is portrayed well. It started out as a cute, nice story about school students taking a dark turn with mysterious people behind her. The transition was done smoothly. It didn't affect the flow of the story.

A small error in the plot: (It doesn't really affect the story)
They were going to study in the afternoon. But the next chapter showed that they studied in the night.

Writing style is good but can get better. A few sentences run down. We can understand it well, but it might slow down the pace of reading. Descriptions are balanced. Giving us a proper visualization without getting us off the story track.

Story was interesting from the very start, even without the mystery factor. It was simple yet a fun read. The mystery added a cherry on the top, making it intriguing.

Grammar:
There were a lot of typos in the story.
A few examples: stares was written stared. Similarly was written as similarity. Instead of Mother's, Mothers was written.

Apart from some minor errors in sentence formation and typos, the story was grammatically well written.

These small errors can be easily weeded out during editing.

Last words,

It was an enjoyable read. The writing was simple and made it easy to read, without tiring out ourselves. There were cute moments, heartbreaking moments and even some hilarious moments that flowed through beautifully.

There are a few things I have pointed out where the story needs to improve. But it is still well-written for a first draft. I had a great time while reading the story.

Thank you for choosing me for the review. Keep writing!