Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ The Shepherds

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: The Shepherds

Author: @theshepherd1

Title and Cover: The book has a unique title, though after reading the blurb, I'm unsure how it relates to the premise of the story. I quite like the cover image and it suits the story and is appropriate for an adventure novel. My only suggestion would be to switch up the title font.

Blurb: The blurb is written as more of a summary of the first few chapters. It offers a lot of spoilers, and after reading it, I felt unsure why I would read the book because I already knew what to expect.

Instead, I would recommend offering a brief overview of the story's premise. Introduce your main character and briefly tell us about the world they reside in. Present the protagonist's major conflict, without spoiling any of the story. Don't offer too many details or exact plot points. I'd recommend reading others' blurbs on the site to get some more ideas!

Plot Overview: You've created a unique and exciting adventure. The world is vivid and distinct, and that's all a credit to your writing and imagination. So great work–from the Montillians to the special abilities, it's clear you've put so much thought into every element of this new world. It's made for an exciting read.

Some plot points I really enjoyed: I appreciate how Kyron started off at the bottom. He thought he was the only one without powers, unimportant or forgotten, and we got to experience his journey of discovery. The time skip was also well done, and I love how apparent his growth and power was. I also deeply appreciated the outcome of the tournament, (without spoiling it) it was essential for it to end up that way for Kyron. This way, he still has work to do. Another essential element was the backstory between Ken and Kyron–Ken's resentment created some much needed tension.

Areas to improve on: the main thing I noticed was that much of the story felt quite passive. There are a lot of moments where you use indirect dialogue, which makes it difficult to fully immerse into the story. There are many times where it feels like you are 'telling' instead of 'showing.' I would suggest seeking out resources online to learn how to 'show' more in your writing.

But one brief example of telling would be in chapter two, where Kyron notes a mix of concern and relief on his mother's face. Instead, show us what Kyron saw. Did she furrow her brows? Emit an exhale? Place her hand over her chest? Show us, instead of tell us–it paints a more vivid and engaging scene.

One last note: there are times where you offer information dumps. For example, in chapter two, there is a lot of information thrown at the readers about how sages, shifters, or enhancers work. It can feel overwhelming and take us out of the story. So, be careful about how much you offer at one time and be strategic in the way you introduce information.

Pacing: In some ways, the pacing felt quick, in the sense that by chapter five, so much had happened. We experienced years of Kyron's life yet the main plot point of the story still felt a bit unclear. What direction are we headed after the tournament? So, structurally, I feel it could use a bit of work. Perhaps the story started too early, so you've offered a lot of information quickly to catch us up to the action.

Individual scenes felt bogged down in places. Stories are composed of action, dialogue, and narrative elements. At times, this balance felt off–there would be long stretches of only action or only description, and a lot of times, dialogue felt neglected. I'd work on making the blend of the three elements more balanced, and it will help make scenes more dynamic and engaging.

Style and Flow: Your writing style lends itself to an adventure novel. I felt like I was transported to a whole new world, and it was exciting to read. You also are straight-forward with the way you present information, which makes navigating a new world easier.

My main concern has to do with your choice of point of view. The story is written in first person, through the eyes of Kyron. The only thing that confused me was that he's a young boy, but the language doesn't show that. He's incredibly intelligent for a five year, and later an eleven year old, so it feels a bit disjointed.

Also, there are times where our narrator notes things he couldn't know. For example, in chapter two Kyron notes, "my mother's heart sank as she replied..." It is impossible to observe someone's heart sinking, it's something you experience individually, so it felt strange to read. Just keep in mind you're writing the story through his eyes, so everything should make sense through the lens of Kyron.

Characters: Kyron is a headstrong young boy, and I appreciate how you showed this through his actions. He has a great deal of dedication and discipline, which is showcased when he trains himself for the tournament. He's also a bit rebellious, often disobeying his parents' orders.

Kyron has a unique backstory, and it makes him the perfect protagonist for an adventure story. It's clear you have a vast amount of knowledge of the genre and what traits are needed for a main character in a fantasy setting. It comes across, as Kyron is dynamic and likable.

I'm interested in meeting new characters, and I hope they are as well fleshed out as Kyron.

Grammar/Spelling: The story is very well-written. I only noticed a couple of typos, and none detracted from the story itself. There are a number of minor grammatical errors in regard to dialogue. For one, a new paragraph should be created every time a new character speaks, meaning two characters should not have dialogue within the same section. In chapter four, you have Kyron and Bryan speaking in the same paragraph.

Additionally, there are times where the placement of your quotation marks are incorrect. An example is in chapter two: "But what if he falls off the bridge?" His friends said a piece of it had broken off. Could he have met such a horrible end?"

The quotation after bridge is unnecessary. Quotation marks should appear at the beginning and end of the dialogue statement, only.

Another example follows: "Please don't say that," my mother pleaded, her voice trembling from the fear. It's not possible"

'My mother pleaded' is a dialogue tag, and not something his mother spoke. So, a new quotation mark should be placed before 'it's not possible' to create a new section of dialogue. There are a number of places where errors like this are made.

Final thoughts: You've created a very unique premise for an adventure story. The main thing that captured my interest was the new world, and you did an excellent job presenting it. It's interesting to have a world where everyone possesses powers, and Kyron is the perfect protagonist for the journey. I hope you keep working on this one, and nice writing! (: