Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ The Love and Pain Diary

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: The Love and Pain Diary

Author: @lelykoo

Title and Cover: The title suits the genre and will quickly let readers know what to expect from this novel. The cover reads pretty simple, which isn't a bad thing–it reads clean. If you were interested in spicing it up, I would suggest playing around with graphic fonts, but there isn't a real need. It looks cute!

Blurb: The blurb contains a good bit of information. There is one small typo located in the parenthesis–it should read 'from' instead of 'form.' Also, I'm not sure there is a need for the parenthesis; I would consider taking out his name and just referring to him as the boy from the subway. But overall, the blurb is nice.

Plot Overview: So far, the plot is quite enjoyable. I love the overarching premise of Alex's backstory. It was smart to introduce it as a bit of a mystery and offer bits and pieces throughout. It has really kept my interest and made me want to keep reading.

Furthermore, there were a lot of fun moments that made for an enjoyable read. I loved the party scene where Alex steps out of her comfort zone and makes some friends–and an enemy in Nolan, for a moment.

The only plot point that felt a bit off for me, was Alex's quick commitment to the vacation trip. To readers, it was understood Alex is just now reintegrating back into society, so to leave her brother and go away with a group of strangers for a period of time felt like a big step! To have this make more sense, I would spend some time having Alex reflect and contemplate her decision. Does she feel a need to push herself outside her comfort zone? Or did she impulsively agree because of Nolan–only to question it later? Just some ideas!

Overall, you've managed to weave together moments of sorrow and horror with light-hearted banter, and the dichotomy has made your story very interesting to read!

Pacing: The story feels well-paced so far. At first, when I saw how long your chapters were, I was a bit worried the story would feel dragged out. Typically, Wattpad users prefer shorter chapters (around ten minutes) than what you would find in traditional novels. But, once I started reading, I didn't even notice–everything was entertaining; I never found myself bored.

However, if you find later on that you're having trouble with retention, I would consider breaking up your chapters to create a number of smaller ones. This might help keep readers more engaged!

Style and Flow: The story flows wonderfully. With this story, and the jumping from past to present, it could have been choppy or disjointed, but it wasn't. You made a smart decision by including Molly, as that made the transitions feel seamless.

Additionally, I really enjoy your writing style. Everything is so vividly described, I was able to picture everything easily. Also, I appreciate the touch of realism your writing adds to the story. You write things how they are, and don't overwrite or mess with fancy prose–this makes Alex's story and hardships feel all too real. Great work!

One suggestion would be to focus more on Alex's internal feelings. What I mean is, there are times where her bodily reactions could aid the immersion. For instance, in chapter five, Alex begins to have a panic attack and it is described to the readers as 'a panic attack starts to overwhelm me.' I would suggest going in depth on what she's really feeling (heart thudding, tunnel vision, ringing ears,etc).

Characters: You did an excellent job introducing Alex and her brother, Borys. His love for her was immediately evident, and I really enjoyed their dynamic.

Alex is a fantastic main character. She's so strong and you've shown that beautifully. You've also done a great job showcasing what seems to be PTSD/survivor's guilt through Alex's thoughts and actions. It's a delicate topic, but so far it seems it's been handled graciously.

Nolan is a funny character. At times he seems arrogant, teasing Alex about her apparent crush on him. But then, in chapter two at the party scene, it became clear there was more depth to Nolan than at first glance.

The two have an interesting dichotomy, and I'm intrigued to read how their story unravels–how will Nolan react once he learns of her past?

Grammar/Spelling: In your application you noted you are not a native English speaker–if you hadn't told me, I would have never known. The story is very clean, and I only came across one or two typos. So, great work here!

There were a couple of grammatical errors I came across, but they are the same errors I find in almost all my reviews. The first is an inconsistency in tenses. By this I mean, there are times where you use words suggesting past tense when the majority of the story is written in the present. For instance, in chapter two, there are dialogue tags saying 'says' and then one saying 'asked.' Asked suggests past tense as it contains the 'ed' ending. This is a minor error, and unless you're looking for it, I doubt many readers would even notice.

The last error I found was in reference to dialogue tags. Again, this was a minor issue, but worth explaining. In general, dialogue is connected to a dialogue tag (words such as: he said, my mother whispered, a man yelled) with a comma! [ex: "That cat is fast," my father said.]

Unless the dialogue ends in punctuation (quotation mark or exclamation point) and then no comma is needed, and add the tag in lowercase letters. [ex: "That cat is fast!" my father said.]

However, if there is no dialogue tag present, just end the dialogue with a period, and keep writing as normal. [ex: "That cat is fast." The calico cat sprinted across the floor.]

The main error I saw in your writing falls into the latter category. An example from the text can be found in chapter one, where you write: "Yeah, that would be nice," I turn towards the window...

Since this statement has no dialogue tag (I said, etc), it should end with a period, and then continue on with the next sentence. ["Yeah, that would be nice." I turn towards the window.]

Hope this all made sense! Again, not a huge deal as it didn't impact my reading experience.

Final thoughts: I really enjoyed this read. It's refreshing–a story I hadn't heard told yet, and the way you introduced us to Alex instantly made me a fan of hers. I actually finished reading the first five chapters last night and went to bed still thinking about it. So, there's a good chance I'll be returning to this one to read more. Great writing, and I hope you keep going with this one. (: