Ohana Reviews

Review ~ The Lies of the Beloved

"The Lies of the Beloved" by Ry0_L3o

Reviewer: kailucy

Title: 5/5

The title is good. It's easy to remember and it's something that I would pick up to learn more about it. It's catchy and goes well with the story.

Cover: 4/5

Firstly, I love the color scheme. The gold on black looks amazing! The image is great and goes perfectly with the book. The only critique I have is that the title is super small. Maybe break it up a little and make it a bit bigger. Other than that it's good.

Blurb: 4/5

The blurb is okay. Maybe make it a little longer. Maybe give a little more information about Hue, and mention why it's important for her to find someone to become the Elden Lord. These are just suggestions as I said it's not bad the way it is now.

It does introduce the characters briefly and the plot. Just feel it might read better it it was a tiny bit longer.

Plot: 17/20

The plot is as you described in the blurb which is great. However, it is way too fast-paced. A fast-paced plot itself is wonderful but when it's way too fast it becomes hard to keep up with or enjoy. 

Some ideas of how to fix that could be to take the time occasionally to paint a picture. Show what the characters see, and describe how they're feeling (make sure to show and not just tell.) Instead of saying the character is angry show them angry, what does the character do when they're angry? It'll most likely be different depending on the character's personality.

Characters: 12/15

The characters are alright but it's hard to like them as characters because I don't know much about them. It could be improved a lot with the same method as I mentioned in "plot" 

Take the time to let the reader get to know the characters. Sprinkle in a backstory, just hint toward things from their past, maybe they have an adverse reaction to something because it reminds them of something they'd rather forget. (Just an example) 

Just give some character-building. Of course, don't dump info but just give some mystery and some answers get the reader wanting to know more, and get them caring for your characters.

Writing style: 12/20

Your writing style isn't bad. I want to say that firstly, I don't want my critiques to be taken that way. I just want to help in the best way I can. 

So first up, think about what I've mentioned above, description would help your writing immensely. In fact that alone would make it much better. 

Continuing on to what I've already mentioned. Another idea of how to add descriptions and improve is maybe think about adding to chapter three. So Milo gets hurt, maybe spend a little more time on the healing process. Show a scene or two of him healing first. (once again just a suggestion)

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary: 15/20

I did notice some errors but they weren't super distracting. But the formatting could definitely use some work. A good rule to keep in mind is to start a new paragraph when 

1. You start a new topic. 

2. You change the time or location. 

3. When a new character begins to speak.

Engagement: 7/10

I did enjoy reading this for the most part. I found it engaging and a decent read.

Overall: 71/100

Overall, you have great potential. You have a great plot and interesting characters. You just need to develop some things a bit and add some descriptions and I think it'll be even better. Keep writing!!

So sorry this took so long! I hope it was at least a little helpful. Also I apologize if it's harsh that wasn't my intention.