Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ Life After The Cure

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: Life After The Cure

Author: @Elementary519

Title and Cover: I understand this fanfiction to be taking place after certain events, so to me, the title seems to indicate that as well. I'd assume those involved in this fandom would recognize that from the title. And the cover looks somewhat like a comic book, which is kind of cool! I will say, the image appears a bit blown out, but I understand the importance of including photo art from the actual cartoon, and that may be your only option.

Blurb: As someone with no knowledge of this universe, the blurb has left me confused. I don't have a good understanding of what will be taking place because I don't know who Rex is or what nanites or Evo powers are.

However, if you're not concerned about appealing to those outside the fandom and are confident in the content provided in your blurb, then I don't see any real errors. I would place a comma after 'Like the title says' and maybe make 'Read to find out!' a new paragraph.

And one more thing, checking out your tags, I realized you haven't maxed them out. I'd add as many as you can (I think 20-25?), reason being, this is how people will find your story! Add anything relating to your story: name of the main character, the name of the fandom, 'cartoon,' etc.

Plot Overview: It's clear through reading that you really love this universe. Unfortunately, I'm very unfamiliar with it, so at times I was a bit confused. For instance, there were some words used without descriptions such as nanites and Evos that I was unfamiliar with.

However, the story jumped off straight into some action which allowed me to gather that saving people and fighting bad guys is just what Rex does. And I really like the concept of them going away on a little vacation-type mission.

Overall, it's clear you've put quite a bit of thought into the mission they're headed off on, and I have full faith you've crafted an intricate mystery for them to unravel. I anticipate some action scenes and fun moments while Rex and Kenwyn sort this all out.

Pacing: To me, there are bits of the story that felt a bit slow. For instance, there is a lot of chatty dialogue that I wonder if it could be condensed to read clearer and more concise. However, chapter four felt like things had started to pick back up. I think for an action story, it was nice to see some actual excitement and I kind of hope that incident with the bags plays into the bigger picture. Basically, I hope the story picks up from this point to keep it on a good pace.

Style and Flow: The story felt easy to follow, and nothing felt too jumbled or messy. However, I will say, your chapters are quite long! When I first started writing on Wattpad, I had people tell me the same thing, so I feel you. And while for a real novel, your chapter lengths make more sense, on Wattpad, readers like shorter 5-10 minute chapters.

It's personal preference if you want to split some of them up or not, but I will say, if you start to run into issues with keeping readers' retention, this may be the culprit!

Characters: For me, characters are what make a story! I love diving into complex characters and watching their progression–it's what makes me invested in a story.

Unfortunately, because this is a fanfic and the characters are already established, there was little to no description or introduction to our main characters. For this reason, I had a bit of difficulty really relating to any of them, so I felt a bit disinterested in their journey.

I understand this wouldn't be an issue for readers familiar with the fandom and who already love these characters! But, I would recommend maybe showing off more of their personalities through dialogue and interactions.

Right now, Rex seems hard to read. I'm not sure if he's grumpy or mischievous or what. However, the most interesting part about him so far is that he seems to want to retire, or have a break, from his job. I'd play into this more! Rex on vacation seems like a good and funny time.

Also, I like the dynamic of him and Bobo–who seems like a character! I would love more of these bickering/jovial interactions as they really made the story shine.

And, Kenwyn, our introduction to her was great! She seemed spunky and headstrong. I'm a sucker for a badass female lead, so I think I'll really like her. I'd keep her strong and able to fend for herself.

Grammar/Spelling: I had left some suggestions for small errors in inline comments, just so they'd be easier to spot and fix, if needed. One repeated error I found was an inconsistency in tense usage. To explain, the story is written in past tense but at times you'd use verbs that indicated present tense which can be a bit confusing to read.

Another thing, when writing dialogue, you should start a new paragraph every time a new person begins to speak. So, for example, in chapter four, there's this big giant paragraph where Kenwyn, Rex, and Mathias are all speaking–it should be broken down into a bunch of smaller paragraphs (indenting each time they switch off speaking).

Another smaller matter, you tend to omit necessary commas. For instance, commas are needed after introductory words such as 'then, as it was, next, etc." Another example from the text where you left out a comma is in chapter one, where you wrote: Forcing his way through he then got to the section that had the reactor. A comma is needed after 'through.'

There are repeated instances of missed commas, so I'd pay close attention to this. There are resources online about comma usage if you need more information!

Other: One other thing I wanted to note is that you formulate your dialogue sentences all very similarly. They tend to follow this structure: Person's name said, "Blah, blah."

This is unique as most writers tend to follow the format: "Blah, blah," said person's name.

And I wonder if you are consciously doing this or it just feels most natural. It's not an error, but it does read a bit funny to me. I would suggest at least varying your sentence structure, so as to not become repetitive. If you need more clarification on how to properly write dialogue and dialogue tags in the second format, let me know and I'd be happy to help!

Final thoughts: Overall, your love for this fandom comes through in your writing. I can tell you're writing this for your enjoyment and that's all that really matters! I may not have been your intended audience, but I was still able to understand the majority of the story. It's clear you have bigger plans for this and I'm sure you've put a lot of thought into how it will all play out. So, keep writing! And I'm sure fellow Rex fans will find your work and love it dearly. (: