Ohana Reviews

Review ❀ The Art of Lust

Reviewer: @mmjayoh

Book: The Art of Lust

Author: @ficxwzone

Title and Cover: The title sounds suited for a romance novel, but the cover doesn't necessarily look romantic. In fact, with the planet featured at the top, it looks like a science fiction story. I like the large, graphic font and the romantic leafy row at the bottom. However, I would consider a more suited background image–you can find many online or on Canva. Another option is to check out some graphic shops on Wattpad. There are many talented designers offering their services here!

Blurb: The blurb is very concise, which is a good thing. But it's almost too vague that I'm not quite clear on what the story will entail. Don't offer any spoilers, but maybe offer a closer look at what will occur. Is it all romance? Action? Mystery? Let us know! You could also offer a few brief descriptors of our main characters: are they wicked, kind, beautiful, powerful, etc.

Another thing, to keep tenses the same, in the first sentence of the second paragraph I would consider saying, "She and Cameron, the Prince of Acapia 'have' always been at war." Lastly, I would consider rewording the last sentence to have a more powerful effect. One idea could be: "They have been mortal enemies since childhood, but now, forced to spend time together, will circumstances begin to change?"

By creating a question instead of a statement, it helps to reduce spoilers. This way, readers aren't told to expect a change in relationship–a romance. Instead, it's left up in the air.

Plot Overview: The story has a very unique premise, and it's engaging because of that. You've done a fantastic job building this new world, and in chapter three you described Aprarial vividly. It's clear you've put a lot of thought behind the world and its two kingdoms–the concept of light and dark is very neat. You've also managed to introduce these two kingdoms and their backstories without too much information dumping, which can be tricky. So nice work world-building!

Moving forward to the plot, I love the way you introduced the story. We met up with Ophelia and her family, while they were on a mission to steal back her necklace. It was the perfect way to showcase Lia's rebellious and impulsive nature, and it was exciting to read. My only critique comes, when later, they are back on the ship headed somewhere, but it isn't quite clear where. I'm unsure if it was meant to be a surprise or if you assumed readers would infer from the blurb.

I would advise against expecting your readers to gather information from the blurb because many won't read it that carefully. So, I would make some more mention of what direction the ship is heading–without dumping an overload of information. Maybe have Lia reflect on how she's feeling about their arrival: fear, excitement, worry, etcetera.

Lastly, I would consider putting some more fore-thought into how you wrap up each chapter. Most of the time, they ended quite abruptly, in the middle of a scene. This can be fine if it's set up as an intentional cliff-hanger, but they didn't come across that way. So, try to wrap up the scene or a thought or establish a clear cliffhanger.

Pacing: In my opinion, the pacing felt appropriate. You spent a little bit of time establishing the kind of world Ophelia exists in and her family dynamic, and then jumped into the main plot line. Each scene has a nice blend of dialogue, action, and narrative elements that pace everything nicely.

Style and Flow: Your writing style is enjoyable to read. It's clear and straight-forward, which is necessary when we're experiencing a new and complicated world. One thing that creates clunkiness in your writing is redundancy. For example, in chapter one you wrote: "He didn't notice until he saw me, and his eyes met mine." We don't need to include both of those phrases, since they mean the same thing–if he saw you, his eyes were on you; if you saw him notice you, your eyes were on him. So to clean up your writing, look for places where you may have been redundant.

One last mention, you do a great job of creating vivid descriptions. In chapter three, you describe the library in detail, which made it easy to picture in my mind. It made the world more exciting and fun to read! So nice work.

Characters: Ophelia is such a fun character. She's impulsive–and sometimes violent (cutting off someone's hand in chapter one). She's also rebellious, and you've done a wonderful job of displaying that through her actions like wearing inappropriate clothing. I appreciate how you've made her strong and independent by living alone.

You've also created her to have a complex family dynamic. She doesn't appear to get along with her mother, and for a young girl, this probably has shaped her personality and defiantness. She's a really fun and spunky main character and I'm immediately invested in her journey.

Cameron, at first, seemed like he would be contrasting to Lia. He's from the opposing kingdom, and I thought he would represent light. But, in our first introduction to him, he calls Ophelia a whore. The two exchange a lot of heated words, which made me dislike Cameron, but I'm interested in learning more about him. One scene that may have saved him for me, was when he helped Lia save the dying animal.

One thing I wanted to mention, at times, your character's dialogue feels forced. What I mean is, at times, they seem to be spewing insults that feel unrealistic. I understand you want to get an 'enemies' dynamic across, but make sure the dialogue/actions are appropriate and not bordering on being cheesy just for the sake of making them villainous. Hope that makes sense.

Grammar/Spelling: There were a number of typos–I tried pointing out a few through inline comments, just to make them easier to spot and correct. However, there were more. Also, there are a number of run-on sentences (the second sentence in chapter one, for example). At times, I noticed many of your sentences are missing periods to conclude the sentence. These can be easy fixes with a bit of line editing.

Other things to look out for: watch your tense usage. At times, you switch to the present tense when the story is set in the past tense. An example is in chapter one: "That's just the way things worked around here. You either start the fire, or you get burnt. It is simply a matter of choice and survival. To make this all in the past tense I would say: "That's just the way things worked around here. You either started the fire, or you got burnt. It was simply a matter of choice and survival."

Furthermore, your dialogue could benefit from some editing. I would suggest seeking out more resources online to learn how to appropriately punctuate dialogue, but here's a quick run-down. Dialogue can follow the following patterns:

Dialogue connected to a dialogue tag* ["He's over there," he said.] **Dialogue tags are things such as 'he said, a man stated, my father shouted.'

Dialogue where no dialogue tag is present. ["He's over there." He pointed across the room.]

Dialogue connected to a dialogue tag, ending in punctuation. ["He's over there!" he shouted].

So, taking those rules, let's apply them to fix some errors in your writing. In chapter one, you wrote: "And what of your sister?" My father said. To correct this, 'my' should be lowercase. Another example: "We have a reputation to care for" she fought. To correct this, simply place a comma after 'for' inside the quotation mark.

Final thoughts: You've created a very unique premise with a distinct world. I think you have a knack for world-building, so I'd use that to your advantage, really describing and fleshing out each scene. The story has interesting and distinct characters and I'm intrigued to watch how our two love interests will grow to tolerate each other–because right now, it seems impossible! It was a fun read, so great work! And I hope you keep writing. (: