Science and faith

~Chapter 35~

Amy's pov:

I quickly ran outside and stepped in my car before I'd burst out in tears. What the fuck have I done?! Maybe I should've let him explain properly instead of being such a bitch...

I started the engine and drove back to Jessica's. I really had to focus on the road to see something through the tears that were rolling down my cheeks. I quickly parked my car and grabbed my bag from the backseat before I walked upstairs straight upstairs to the room where I was sleeping.

"Am!?" I heard Jess shout behind me, but I just kept on walking cause I didn't feel like talking to someone at the moment. I threw my bag on the ground and threw myself on the bed, burying my head in my pillow. I thought back to what happened and the more I thought about it, the more tears fell from my eyes. I couldn't breath anymore because of my crying and because of my head which was buried deeply into the pillow. I didn't sound like a human anymore, it sounded like an animal that was crying.

Jess had obviously heard me cause she knocked on the door and before I could reply, not that I would reply, she came in. She saw me lying on the bed and came to sit next to me and rubbed my back, trying to sooth me. When I had calmed down a little bit I sat up and sat the mascara strains in the light grey pillow.

"What's happened?" Jess asked carefully.

"I've been such a bitch..." I croaked out and felt another tear roll down my cheek again. Jess quickly wrapped her arms around me and pressed me tight against her. Letting me cry into her shoulder.

"Wanna talk about it?" She asked rubbing my back again.

"I can't." I sobbed, cause I knew that if I'd try that, I'd only cry more.

"It's okay. We'll talk when you're ready." She whispered. I nodded slightly, hoping she'd feel it against her shoulder. Minutes later I pulled away again and just sat next to her on the bed, staring at my bag which was standing on the floor.

"Ice cream and movies?" She asked trying to cheer me up. I nodded in reply and flashed her a fake smile. Even though she'd know immediately when my smile was fake, she didn't say anything about it and walked downstairs. I opened my bag and got my toiletries out, I walked to the bathroom and wiped the last bit of makeup of my face. After that I splashed some water in my face hoping that I'd look a little bit better, but when I looked at myself in the mirror I saw two sad eyes looking back at myself. It's your own stupid fault, bitch. If you wouldn't be this childish you'd probably be sitting on the cough with him now, safe in his strong arms.

I sighed to myself and walked back to my room where I changed into some sweatpants and a hoody. Not caring about how ugly I looked with my red puffy face, messy hair and oversized sweatpants. I walked downstairs where I found Jessica getting two spoons from the kitchen. 

"There's my girl! I thought you'd drowned yourself in your tears!" She said, I knew that she meant it as some kind of joke to cheer me up. But it didn't really work.

"Sorry, too early, wasn't it?" She asked when she realized what she'd just said.

"It's okay." I said emotionless and sat down on the couch. Seconds later I was joined by Jess who dumped the ice on my lap before she went to put the movie on. I folded my legs underneath me and started to eat the ice. Jess had chosen some stupid comedy to watch, but I didn't care right now. Anything to think about something else at the moment. And even though I felt like utter shit, I found myself laughing at some parts of the movie.

We spent the rest of the day watching movies and eating ice cream and chocolate. When it was getting  late we decided that it was time to go to bed. I brought our used stuff to the kitchen while Jess turned all the lights and the tv off. I brushed my teeth and said good night to Jessica before I walked into my room. I put my bag on my bed and tried to find my pajamas. When I found it I took it out along with one of Dan's t-shirts. I took one with me just to have something of him with me. I buried my face in his shirt and inhaled his scent. It smelled so familiar and it made me miss him even more...

Sighing I put my pajamas on and lay down in bed. I realized that Jess had changed my pillowcase cause this one wasn't covered in mascara. Bless her. I took Dan's shirt and inhaled his scent again. Maybe I shouldn't do that, cause it only makes it worse, but I just can't help it. I really regret what I've done today and what I've said to him. If he was telling the truth and that message was meant to go to his sis, I can't even imagine how shit he must be feeling. No wonder that Bryan got aggressive towards me, being with a bitch like me just makes you frustrated. And well, some people get aggressive when they get frustrated, like Bryan. Thank god that Danny would never hurt a women, cause I think he could kill me when I started shouting at him. All he tried to do was explain to me what happened, and I couldn't keep my big fucking mouth shut. I had to make it worse and because of that I'm lying here now, instead of in the arms of the man I love. And I can't blame anyone else, cause it's my own damn fault. Jess tried her best to talk some sense into me and make me talk with Danny, cause she knew how it would kill me if we weren't together. I guess I should've listened to her. And Danny.

I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep, with Dan's shirt pressed tightly against my chest. But hours went by and I still couldn't sleep. I picked my phone up from the bedside table and sat that it was 2AM. I unlocked my phone and went to my chat with Danny. I saw that the last time he was online was 15 minutes ago. Guess I'm not the only one who can't sleep... Before I could think twice about it I typed a message to him and pressed send,

"I'm sorry... x"

I just stared at my message, wondering if this was the right thing to do, or if this would only make it worse. Suddenly he was online as well and I saw that he had read my message. I felt my heart beating faster, wondering what he was going to do. Suddenly he started typing and it seemed like he was taking hours for that. But when I looked at the time I saw that just 5 minutes had past since I looked at it last time. When I looked back at where stood that Dan was typing a few moments ago, I saw that he had stopped typing but I still had no message. 'Maybe he's thinking?' I tried to convince myself. But I felt my heart sink when I saw that he went offline again. I guess I would've done the same, so I can't blame him. Can I?