Science and faith

~Chapter 121~

Danny's pov:

It's been almost a week since the day that Am told me she'd lost our baby. And even though we promised to talk to each other, I'm extremely busy with the lads in the studio and Am's busy with work as well while we're both looking after Ava and Liz as well. The only times were seeing each other is either late in the evening when we're going to bed or extremely early because one of us has to get up. But even then we don't always see each other due to one of us being asleep. Because of all this I feel like we're growing apart. Cause were both dealing with our grief, in a different way, without each other.

I was sitting in the studio with a notepad in my lap, looking at the lyrics I had written over the last few days. They're probably a few of the most depressing lyrics I've ever written. They're all about grief and lost.

I didn't tell the lads about what happened, mostly because I just didn't want to talk about it. But it's pretty obvious that they're noticing that something is off. But they also know that it won't do any good if they push me to tell them cause I'll tell them at some point anyway. When I'm ready.

But right now, I wish they would push me to tell them, cause I don't really know how to tell them what happened. 

"OK, seriously man, what's going on?" Mark asked finally, while handing me a cup of tea. I took it from him before he sat down next to me. 

"Wow... That's.. Dark..." He said when he looked down at the lyrics I'd written on the notepad which was still lying in my lap. 

"Yeah..." I replied, rereading them. 

"Do you want to talk about it? A problem shared is a problem halved, right?" He said, obviously not dropping it this time. 

"It's just..." I started, not really knowing how to start. Both Mark and Glen -who stopped doing what he was doing to listen as well- stayed silent, letting me think of how I should say it. 

"A while ago I came home and found Am really upset, when I asked her what was going on she told me she was pregnant but-"

"-It's not yours?" Mark finished for me, causing Glen to kick him to shut him up and letting me talk.

"No, it was mine. She lost it." I said, biting hard on my bottom lip to try to stop the tears from spilling over.

"I'm so sorry." I heard Mark say while my vision became blurry because of the tears.

Before I knew it, the tears were spilling over, running down my cheeks. I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and I was pulled into someone. I wasn't able to see who it was because of the tears, but I was pretty sure it was Mark. 

"It would have been a boy, and I would play football with him and videogames and learn him how to play the piano and guitar like my dad taught me. And..." I chocked out, even though we didn't even know if it would have been a boy or a girl. I had a strong feeling it would've been a boy. 

"Let it all out mate." Mark said, patting my back. 

"And now I feel like we're growing apart cause we're taking turns in looking after the girls so we're only seeing each other before we go to sleep or when we wake up. But even then we don't always see each other." I admitted. 

"You two won't grow apart, you're just dealing with it in a different way. You write about it to get it off your chest and Am has her way." Glen said.

"He's right. Even our world tours doesn't cause you two to grow apart, so this won't either." Mark said, agreeing with Glen.

"And you two are strong." Glen added. 

Once the tears finally stopped coming, I pulled away from Mark and roughly wiped my cheeks dry. 

"I did the most stupid thing ever when she told me." I whispered, looking down.

"What did you do?" Mark asked.

"I walked out on her and ended up in a bar almost kissing another woman." I said feeling ashamed.

"Almost?" He asked.

"Yeah, I pulled away just in time..."

"Thank god." I heard Glen say under his breath.

"But I do think you two should talk to each other." Mark said, ignoring Glen's comment. 

"I know. But how? We barely see each other."

"I'm pretty sure she'll have time when you say that you need to talk." Glen reasoned.

"You're in this together." Mark added. 

We stayed at the studio for a few more hours until we decided to call it a day. I grabbed my phone and sent Am a text saying we were going home. But I doubted she'd see it cause it was 11PM already and she got up incredibly early this morning so I wouldn't be surprised if she'd already gone to bed. 

Glen have me a ride home and reminded me that I should talk to Am before I got out of his car.

"I know, see you." I replied, getting out.

"See you." He said before I shut the door. 

I got my keys out and let myself in before locking the door behind me again. I poked my head into the living room but it was dark and empty so Am's probably gone to bed. 

I walked up the stairs and checked on both Ava and Liz. They were both sound asleep and I kissed them softly before making my way to the bedroom. I was hoping Am would still be awake so we could talk. But when I walked in I noticed immediately that she was asleep. 

I took my clothes off and crawled in next to Am. I didn't have the heart to wake her up just to tell her how much it hurt and that I feel like I'm losing her but also that I love her so fucking much. So I just cuddled close to her, seeking comfort in the fact that I had her in my arms. 

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her tightly against my chest. I buried my face in her hair and took in the familiar scent. I lay with my thoughts for a little while longer until I eventually dropped off to sleep.