Natepat & Septiplier oneshots

167. Something Real

SHIP:
None

WARNINGS:
Mentions of death
Mentions of suicidal thoughts, depression

EXTRAS:
This is going to be the most personal thing I've ever written - the first paragraph is from a workshop I did today the rest is just from the top of my head

I don't know if I'll actually publish this so I guess if you're reading it I did let's fucking do this I guess before I get accused this is not for attention or anything I write to myself feel better and I enjoy my platform and I'm trying to promote a somewhat positive message at the same time

As I always stress remember that self-care is important

WORDS:
800

__________________________

There was a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. When she came to pick me up I already knew but for her sake I acted like I didn't, it was her dad after all, she had the stronger emotional bond. I couldn't say I knew. She was quiet for the five minutes drive to our home. My dad's dad was with her as if to provide comfort... he was the one who broke the news, the news that Granda was gone... that he'd finally lost his fight. I felt nothing, disconnected even, but the tears still fell. I'd already known but it didn't feel real. I already felt this pain the year before with my friend, I knew it well and had grown numb to the unfairness of it all. But there would be a break where the walls and reality would come crashing down. Where everything f would feel real again. The anger, the sadness and the unbearable pain but for now nothing. I needed to give her time. I couldn't be selfish and take it. It was her time.

The pain eventually did come. The pain of bereavement is hard to explain to anyone that hasn't suffered it. It's not physically it's psychological pain but sometimes that worse. The pain is red hot and there is nothing to stop it. You can randomly start breaking down without warning and everything annoys you and everything just feels a lot more important than it once did. I know this pain well I've been through it three times in a row and with time the pain doesn't lessen it was always be there... but it doesn't have to be bad. You can hold good memories of that person and suddenly the pain doesn't feel so bad.

You miss them greatly I know I miss those who I've lost everyday and I would rather take any other kind of pain but they helped shape who I was... I wasn't extremely close with my aunt who passed away but that doesn't mean I don't remember her fondly, my Granda I was close to and he made me the person I am and created my love of history and he would always support me, stand up for me and fight for me if needed and Dylan, my best friend, I can't describe how I felt about him but he was like family, he shaped me in ways that taught me that it was okay to be who I was and he had no calmness and not filter, he simply spoke his mind but most importantly he taught me that cancer isn't such a taboo topic.

I live for the people I've lost. There was a period in my life which was extremely dark and truthfully I was depressed and suicidal, both my Granda and my best friend were ill at this time and both undergoing treatment that with added on stress I didn't feel like I could cope, I felt worthless and unneeded. I did something bad however it was unpractical and did not work and I've never been more grateful for something not working. I am now working my way out of that dark zone and seeing the brighter side to life and trying to live the way they would want me too. It's surprising how much people can have an impact on your life that you only realise when they're gone. I never realised how big an impact they were on me until I no longer had them around and two years on, a year on and a few months on I notice how they shaped me and made me who I am.

I could have lied and spoken in a way that wasn't true to how I felt and instead was sympathetic and looking for pity but I'm not looking for that I simply wanted to write something that was real to my own experiences. It still hurts, that I will not lie about, but it does better. I have people with me that have my back no matter what, I have basically two families - the ones related to me by blood and the ones who aren't, I've got people that have my back. That's my truth. I miss them everyday but I live for them every single day, I get through everyday for them. I take time out to care for myself and make sure I'm doing okay too and I try not to let the negativity rule my life.

That's my truth.