Natepat & Septiplier oneshots

171. Something's got to give

SHIP:
Danti (more Anti based though)

WARNINGS:
I really don't know I don't think there is anything too bad

EXTRA:
Ventish (also slightly based of something I wrote during school but it is different too lmao)

WORDS:
972

____________________________

I'm tired
So tired
But not from a lack of sleep

It had been a year and nine days since she'd last acted like herself and Anti honestly missed the woman who raised him, his mother, and the way she'd once been. Not too long ago they'd been able to speak for hours in the kitchen just about anything but now she seemed to enjoy pouncing on him about anything including dumb things. Anti would say it was fine if his mum said no to something then she would go on about eight times why she couldn't do it even though her son had already said it was okay causing him to say he knew... this commonly resulted in yelling, screaming, fighting and door-slamming (his mother liked a door-slam). Some of the worse times were in the morning. "Don't start, please, I just woke up," Anti would stop her before she could scream at him about something. He knew she was upset, she was still mourning, he knew she was depressed but honestly he grew sick of being her scapegoat and sick of having his emotions ignored. He would get up, telling her he had his keys so she could go. He hated being alone but it worse than being yelled at, wasn't it?

Anti had, for a while, used school as an escape as it was a chance to hang out with his friends and boyfriend, relax for a while and feel like nothing else matters however soon he'd changed for his negativity to follow him there too. He couldn't control his emotions which would end up with him snapping at someone or randomly crying. He broke down quite a lot and he couldn't control it however he got better at hiding it from people. Anti can be reasonably good at hiding how he's feeling, maybe that's cause it doesn't get acknowledged, however the act can fall and shatter but he can cover it up with a laugh, a smile or a joke and it's never pressed although sometimes Anti wishes it they did press him that way he would have to be honest. He would have to confine in someone and have someone who cares and would listen even if it sounded dumb. Someone who would notice when he breaks down despite hiding it, someone who notices whenever he freaks-out, whenever he grows shaky, his breath quickens and his chest tightens and breathing normally becomes foreign.

He had, however, learnt quickly not to tell people how he felt as no one really cared anyway. If he was happy or proud about something it would always be undermined or if he was sad someone else would be upset so instead he would have to look after them. Anti wanted to be the one who was looked after when he was upset rather than having to push his own emotions aside and deal with someone else. He also wanted someone to be proud of him. "Hey Grandma did mum tell you I got chosen to do a talk?" That was a big thing for Anti who suffers with anxiety to do and although he was scared he was also proud but... his grandma just looked at him for a minute, having heard him, then turned to Anti's parents, "So did I tell you that ______ & ______ are getting their own house on the fourth!" Of course she hadn't scared and that made Anti feel pretty shitty about the whole thing, his cousin was always the favourite and always going something better. He then began to question what was the point of being proud of something... for once he wanted fucking praise. He wanted someone to look after him when he was upset but he never got that, at least not for long... someone would look after him for a little while but eventually he would end up looking after them for double the time this was even the case with his own family, its selfish and he fucking knows that but eventually he grew tired of being the security blanket, the scapegoat.

People tell Anti he should be more open with his emotions but whenever he tries no one listens. "So I-" Then someone would cut him off or sometimes even sing over the top of him and drown his voice out... and it really fucking hurts knowing no one gave a shit what he was saying because Anti is the dumb one anyway so he wouldn't say anything of any importance so there's no point in listening. "Why do you look so mad?" "Cause you cut me off again." Then no one cares or they'll joke about it to him then Anti is expected to laugh like a joke makes it all better... no one ever apologises for it though, why would they? It's not like what he's got to say matters to anyone.

It gets to the point where something's got to give and Anti breaks. His walls he spent ages building crumble in front of him and he felt in this wreck that he can't rebuild alone. He can't do anything brash though no matter how is brain works cause he knows one thing and that keeps him going, "Death isn't the worse part of dying but rather what you do to those you leave behind." He couldn't put someone through that when he's been through so much shit himself. He knows how much it hurts and how hard it is to recover and he doesn't want anyone he cares about or loves to go through that.

Something's got to give
A little dent
A tiny crack