The Slowest Burn - Bellarke

Bellamy Blake- How do I go on? (6x06)

*Requested by the lovely TrudyRamey *
*Bellamy's grief*
*We're doing Bellamy's pov for this one*
*Set before 6x07*
*Trigger warning; suicidal themes*

***

It hurts.

To breathe, to move, to think too long.

It hurts to remember her.

Clarke.

Clarke Griffin.

Brave, strong smart, kind, selfless, Clarke Griffin.

I have to stop myself from thinking about her.

I made the deal, the deal she would have made. I promised not to retaliate even though it killed me.

I promised Clarke that I would keep Madi safe. And I'm determined to fulfill what I can only assume was her dying wish.

But when I see that girl, that horrible woman walking around wearing Clarke's face I just...

I feel like I'm going crazy.

There's only three things I think about. My mind is either fighting itself, jumping between thinking about Clarke and trying to distract it from Clarke. Or Madi.

She's filled with so much rage.

Clarke knew how to temper that rage.

She tempered me.

All I ever knew was violence.

The men who raised there hand's to my mother.

The "friends" on the ground that raised their hands to me.

It made me angry.

I'm not angry now though.

That would imply that I have the ability to feel anything other then unspeakable grief.

I've lost people.

I think that's easy enough to see; by the scars on my skin, the caution in my tone and the bags under my eyes from countless sleepless nights.

But this is different.

I never knew that emotion could feel so visceral. Like I'm being split in two.

It feels akin to a story my mother told me about a man called Plato, and a story he wrote about love. I can remember her reading it to me and Octavia now. Her voice so kind, and warm.

"According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces." She began, running her hand along Octavia's dark hair.

"Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves." She gasped dramatically, smiling at me playfully.

What I wouldn't give to be back there. Even for a moment.

"and when one of them meets the other half..." She continued.