Girl at Heart
"When I was kid, I already knew that I am different. I'm different from other typical boys who like sports, cars, toy guns and GIRLS. I knew that my preference is different from the normal standards of the society. I am attracted to guys and unlike other boys; I am a little bit sissy... okay scratch that I'm softer than a jelly ace. Before, I still didn't know that being like this is going to be hard. When I was in my first grade in school, they started calling me names like "bakla", "madre", "contestant no.1" things like that. I was hurt because I felt that everyone is mocking me, that something's wrong with me. I tried to shrug off that thought and tried to be positive.
As I grew older, I started to realize that my life will not be that pleasant. I've been bullied since first grade and even until now. I've been called many names, I've been told hurtful things like I would burn in hell, bitch, dick sucker, fag, worthless and other words that can degrade me as a person. I never fought back to defend myself, I just sat back in the corner and cried because I felt that the whole world denies me. I've been bullied up to the extent that I don't want to go to school anymore, I've been afraid to go out of my house, I isolated myself from the rest of the world because I felt that they cannot accept me.
That's why I promised that I would never deny a person just because they are not normal or just because the norms of the people said so. I will try to understand a person as hard as I can because I know the feeling of being rejected and judged.
As a human being, I also fell in love. I fell in love with my best friend and yes it's a common scenario. We were together since third grade to 4th year high school but our friendship only lasted up to 1st year high. You can call it puppy love, well if puppy love can last for almost 5 years. I tried to hide it from everyone especially from him because I'm afraid to be rejected. Then came 2nd year that everyone found out and as usual, I got rejected. They talked behind my back and I heard it all, I clearly heard it all. They said "nakakadiri", "nakakasuka", "yuck" and other things to express their disgust.
Sometimes I'm thinking if will there ever be a guy who will love me unconditionally, accept me for who I am and will truly love me. A guy who will not judge me, accept my flaws and will be proud that I am his lover. I had a boyfriend and we barely lasted for five months. He's not actually gay because it's his first time to be attracted to his same sex. His parent doesn't know our relationship and he asked me if I could wait for him to have the courage to tell his parents about us. I agreed to it because I love him and I can wait for him. I did everything to be a good boyfriend. Every time we had a fight, I would always apologize to him even if it's not my fault because I don't want us to argue more.
Every time that we will have a fight, he would always say that we should break up, that it is better for the both of us that he can't stand me anymore. I endured all that because I love him but eventually I got tired. I got tired of playing the role which is meant to be played by two persons. We broke up; I cried and felt saddened of what happened to us. I still love him and I still care for him because even if we broke up, only our label has changed and not my feelings for him. I broke up with him not because I don't love him anymore but because I forgot to love myself.
Now enough with my story and let's get to the main point. I just want to say that "guys, easyhan nyo lang naman kaming mga bakla o kahit sinumang tao" kasi hindi madali ang buhay namin o ng kahit sino, halos buong buhay ko nga puro rejection na ako eh. Hindi naman natin alam ang pinagdadaanan ng bawat isa so respeto nalang sana. Malay mo yung baklang binabastos mo at sinasabihang ng kung ano ano, ganoon na rin pala ang ginagawa sakanya sa bahay nila. Pati ba naman sa labas ganoon parin? O di kaya yung baklang sinasabihan mo ng malandi at laspag eh virgin pala, baka nga mas laspag pa yung jowa mo eh, or di kaya ikaw.(ßSorry for this hehehe) Ako nga minsan ko na naisip na mag pakamatay nalang so sana maging sensitive tayo sa feelings ng bawat isa. Spread the love guys and always be good, you never know when the wheel of fate will turn."
aszurah
2013
Institute of Tourism and Hotel Management (ITHM)
FEU Manila
