April Might Leave Early This Year (English, Feb 29, 2016)
"If I wrote my February 29 in one of my books, this is how it'll go. Please bare with me, I speak English when I'm feeling 'this way'. This is fairly long, but it isn't really a story to be exact."
(April, read this carefully. I'm counting on you.)
The clouds were rolling up, covering the skies at it drizzled down rain. As if it were holding back tears that were ready to fall at any moment. Thank God it didn't. Because I told you that I had something important to say to you today. Walking towards the gate, my thoughts were scrambled as I was forming up the perfect words for me to say to you. I was so nervous, because after years of crippling depression, months of isolation from friends, years of being loveless, I thought I could actually find someone that could love someone like me.
Who am I though? For all I know, I have no friends who want me, people are afraid of my tall height, nobody wants to talk to me because I was hard to look at. Those points alone, I just know that I'm not in your league. But somehow you actually became my friend. You made me feel special for a while. Nevertheless, those little moments of happiness actually made me drunk on deep thoughts about you. I'm sorry, sometimes it's hard to be all alone. I always said that I'd rather be alone, but now, I see that maybe it wouldn't hurt if I let you into my miserable little world.
But then again-
Years of different stages of depression, crippling suicidal thoughts, frequent sleep paralysis, weak physical condition from smoking, these are all the things I suffer from that I didn't want you to know, and don't want you to see me go through. These flashbacks struck me as I was down the hallway from you. But it was all gone when I saw you.
You were looking down on your phone, ever-so-beautifully sitting on the hallway bench waiting for me. How I wished I didn't text you to look up so soon so I could dream about you for even just a minute or two.
Even if I knew you were texting all the guys who were also in love with you, I still mustered up to courage to talk to you alone. I was really sad about it, but what can I say? You're too beautiful for your own good.
You looked up and said hi to me. I swear at that very moment my heart was pounding the fastest in has ever been this year. I instantly forgot every line I had tried to put up together. I sat down inches away from you so I wouldn't give away my intentions too early. More small talk consumed our time. These second-long awkward pauses prevents me from thinking straight. I always dreamed of how I was going to tell you- No, this can't be the day. It's not how I pictured it. I can't tell you what I want to say like this; I just can't do this to you. You deserve better.
More silence envelops our atmosphere. I swear I could hear a pin drop. In the silence, it seems I forgot to pause my music, which caused it to blast away from my earphones. Ironic enough, the song that was playing was "Say it Now by We the Kings".
The lovely feeling inside of me turned to anger. All I could think of is how could I have been so reckless, trying to ask you out on a date without anything to offer. I thought words would've sufficed, but I know it's never enough. I was so angry at myself because I knew after this awkward moment, we'll never be the same again.
You won't talk to me with the same smile again.
You won't make fun of my silly haircut.
You won't hang out with me the same way we used to.
You won't try to match my bitterness jokes.
But the worst part? You'll never look at me with that look in your eyes that made me fall after a long, long time again.
All because I couldn't wait to be happy after being depressed for so long. All because I thought this could be the twist in my story, and that someone will finally love me and never leave me.
If only you knew how much I've dreamed about you, about us, and about what we could've been. Yes, I'm that drunk with thoughts.
But I only just met you, and I know you'll never, ever feel the same way. It isn't fair to you anyway, I was so ready to be happy, that I'd happily live the reality I wanted things to be, not the reality we could have. Maybe I was in love with the thought and I just got carried away.
After a few minutes passed, the small talk faded, our looks can't even meet, and I decided to call it a day. We walked down to the elevator as I cracked my last joke you'll probably ever laugh to. We went down without talking because we couldn't bear to feel any anymore awkward, and we went on our separate ways.
But before I did, I gave you the link to my FEUSF post: "Women, read this". I wanted you to know me, so maybe you'll consider me more than just one of your many admirers who'd chew off his own leg just to be with you. Because when we had our small talk, you said that they're a lot. I don't want to give away my love to someone who doesn't even see me the way I see her. If I did, it's certain that you'll run out of love for me. You didn't know how much it hurt when you said that to me. I mean, I trained myself to be numb to never feel pain or sadness again. But that hurt me somehow. It's a pain I've never felt. I didn't know liking someone this way would hurt the way it does.
But to be honest, I don't care anymore. I don't want to ruin anymore chances. I still want to fight for you. Out of all the girls that I've come across, you're the one who brought me to love again. If we can't work, at least I can't say I didn't try.
So I hope you read this, because in the future, when we look back, we'd have February 29, 2016 in our hearts as the day that I tried to say how I feel about you the first time.
I didn't say what I wanted to say in the end, but I'm sure I will. Someday. For now, I'll fight for us. Because I don't want April to come and go just yet.
The Nice Writer in a Black Sweater
2014
IAS
FEU Manila
