I've been a slut.
I've been a slut. I slept with different men every night. "I'm dirty. I'm damaged. I'm a piece of crap." That's what I know and that was I am before. I've been a victim of rape. For the young age of 9 years old, my uncle used me not only once but thrice. I was helpless. I was scared. No one knows. I kept that secret to myself for almost 11 years and I'm still having nightmares until now, now that I am 30.
Until a night that changed my life, I saw my classmates celebrating a birthday in a club where I usually go. Nilapitan ako ng isang classmate ko. "Bakit ka nandito?" Tanong niya. "Pakialam mo?" Sagot ko. Yes, I don't talk with my classmates. Ayoko silang kausap. Wala akong kaibigan sa school. Iba sila at iba ako yun ang paniniwala ko. I was always alone and I am happy with it. After class uuwi agad ako.
That night, hindi ako tinigilan ng classmate kong yun. Hindi siya umalis. Binantayan niya ako. I thought he's like the other guys who only want sex from me. I found him cute so I grabbed him and brought him in a hotel. I took everything off. I was naked in front of him then I started to kiss and seduced him. But one thing I've noticed, he was the only guy who refused to do it. Then suddenly he asked me, "Why are you like that?" "Like what?" "Why are you letting yourself to be like that?" He's the only one who asked me that question.
Sinabi ko lahat. Sinabi ko lahat sa kanya ang sikreto ko at kung sino ako. Nag kwentuhan lang kami sa hotel buong gabi. Lahat ng sama ng loob ko nailabas ko. Nothing happened. Feeling ko nakahanap ako ng kaibigan. Ng kakampi.
Monday nun nilapitan niya ako sa classroom. Tinabihan niya ako. He gave me a piece of white rose and he said "This is you. You are pure, you are clean. Don't feel bad about yourself. There's still a time for a change."
Niligawan niya ako for a long time at naging kami. I never think na I can still get involved in a serious relationship. Never ko ding naisip na may magmamahal pa sakin. Hanggang sa maka-graduate kami ng sabay. Nakapag plano ng sabay. Naging architect ng sabay. 6 years of being together, believe it or not? Nothing happened.. until the day when we got married.
Never nasagi sa isip ko na may tatanggap pa sakin at irerespeto sa kabila ng past ko. He's like a blessing in disguise. I am very grateful to have a real man. A real man who's not judgmental and has the perception that our love for each other is the most important than anything else.
Mary
xxxx
Institute of Architecture and Fine Arts (IARFA)
FEU Manila
