Simula nung nakalabas si Agnes mula sa ospital, hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin sa kanya na ayoko na ituloy yung kasal. Natatakot ako na baka kung anong mangyari sa kanya. I know I shouldn't be listening to Raisa pero somehow her words are still ringing in my ear until today.
Kakauwi lang namin galing sa office and to be honest, kung titingnan mo si Agnes, hindi mo mapapansin na may sakit siya or na may problema siya. She's still her usual self. Pero every time na maaalala ko yung nangyari, natatakot ako. Ganon nga ba talaga ako ka-selfish?
"Agnes. What's your plan?"sabi ko sa kanya habang kumakain kami.
"Plan for what?"
"I thought we are calling this wedding off?"
"Ha? I thought you wanted to get married?"
"Kelan ko sinabi na I wanted to get married?"sabi ko sa kanya.
"Wala, I just assumed na you'd want this kasi nga we're now okay. Pat, why are you upset?"
"I'm upset kasi sabi mo gagawin mo lahat para hindi na matuloy 'tong kasal na 'to eh bakit andito pa rin tayo?"sabi ko sa kanya. I saw confusion cross Agnes's face. I want to stop myself from talking. Pero kailangan ko 'tong gawin.
"Wifey, what's wrong?"sabi niya. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasagutin yung tanong niya. "Wait, I thought things have changed? I mean, I thought the whole plan was cancelled since tayo na --"
"Talaga ba Agnes?"
"Anong... anong talaga ba, Pat?"
"Can you please stop acting as if tayo nga talaga? We're just forced into this."sabi ko.
I looked at Agnes and the instant I looked into her eyes, I knew that my heart broke. Pero if this is how I could save her, I would rather break my heart a million times than to lose her. Hindi ko na kayang tingnan yung mga mata ni Agnes so I just tried to focus on my plate. I can feel tears forming pero hindi ako pwedeng umiyak.
"Bakit hanggang ngayon ba wala ka pa ring nararamdaman para sa 'kin? Ano 'to Pat? Palabas lang lahat?"sabi niya. She's hurting and I can hear it in her voice.
"So yun ba yun? Akala mo gusto din kita kaya ka umaasta ng ganyan? Well then let me be clear. Hindi kita gusto at kahit kelan hindi kita magugustuhan."
"Ang labo naman nun Pat. Pumayag kang maging girlfriend ko tapos ngayon sasabihin mo sa 'kin na hindi mo ako gusto?"sabi niya. "Pat, look at me."sabi niya sa 'kin.
"Tingnan mo naman ako."ulit niya more sternly this time. I looked at her pero hindi ko matagalan kaya I just looked away again.
"Tingnan mo ako at sabihin mo sa 'kin na hindi mo na ako mahal."she said through gritted teeth.
So I did. But her eyes were burning me. If the eyes are the windows to one's soul, mine could be burning in hell already from Agnes's stares.
"Bakit Agnes, kelan ko ba sinabing mahal kita?"
I hope she could see through my eyes na kailangan ko lang 'tong sabihin. A huge part of me wants her to see na I'm just protecting her. Na mahal ko siya, but I don't want to be selfish. Kasi kung hindi ko 'to gagawin, hindi lang ako ang mawawalan pag nawala siya. Kaya ako na lang. Hahayaan kong ako na lang yung mawala sa kanya. It's for your own good Agnes.
