survival ~ haikyuu zombie au

113 ~ How You Really Feel

A week later Kimi sat alone outside, Conny and Kageyama already left for their trip to Shiratorizawa. She wasn't worried though, she never really worried when Conny ventured out with Kageyama because she completely trusted the boy to take care of her sister. 

The snow fell around her making her breath visible as she exhaled. It was around mid January and everything seemed so calm outside. Although it felt like so much had changed over the past few weeks, as if their few months of peacefulness was slowly disappearing.

"You trying to impersonate some Hallmark movie by sitting out in the snow alone like that?" Tsukishimas voice rang out from behind her.

Kimi glanced behind her at the boy. "Yes oh how my life is so desirable" she said sarcastically.

Tsukishima chuckled. "You probably shouldn't complain. There are a lot of people who really got screwed over out there" he said as he sat down beside her.

"True. You shouldn't sit there. You're gonna ruin your pants" Kimi said as he took a seat beside her in the snow.

He just shrugged. "It'll dry" 

"How have you been? I feel like it's been forever since I've actually gotten a chance to catch up with you" Kimi questioned realizing that the two hadn't talked nearly as much as they used to back at Karasuno.

"That's a whole line of dominos you do not want to knock over" Tsukishima simply said.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kimi asked confused at his metaphor.

"It means my feelings are so screwed up that I can't explain how I feel without several answers to that one question. Sometimes I feel like shit because I'm useless to this group. Sometimes I'm happy because Mai is learning so quickly. And sometimes I feel lonely because I know that if I died it would have such a small effect on people" Tsukishima explained, whispering the last part.

Kimi stared at him for several minutes. "Tsuki you know people care about you right? What about Tadashi? He spends as much free time as possible by your side, don't you think there is a reason for that?" she asked.

"I care about Tadashi, I really do. But I know he's not going to be around forever. I don't want to distance myself from him but even I know he isn't going to survive this world" Tsukishima answered. It sounded like it was something difficult for him to say. He wasn't being mean just trying to be honest with himself.

"Tsuki... I think Tadashi is tougher than you realize. But even if he did die, you still have people who care about you. Mai" Kimi tried to explain.

"Mai is a baby, she wouldn't even know if I were dead. If I died today, she would grow up with no idea who I even am" Tsukishima replied. His words really hurt Kimi, she didn't like to see him in this state.

"She cares about you, how can you not see that? Every time it is brought up you just shrug it off. But Mai looks at you with love, the way a child is supposed to look up to their parents" Kimi said, she was trying to stay calm but she just couldn't understand why Tsukishima couldn't see that.

"I don't want her to look up to me Kimi! I'm not the type of person she should want to be" Tsukishima responded, by the way his voice cracked Kimi could tell that he was close to crying.

"I don't understand you. When I look at you I see someone who is willing to put their own life on the line to protect the rest of the group. Someone who is willing to do anything to ensure that a child gets to keep their childhood. Someone who will hide their feelings in fear of hurting the other person. Someone I love! Why can't you see him too?" Kimi asked close to tears. She hated that this boy viewed himself as so worthless.

Tsukishima stared at her wide eyed for a long time. "You can really see all that in me? Even though I've treated everyone like crap when I first met you guys?" he finally asked in a quiet voice.

Kimi nodded slowly. "I don't give a shit what you did before, I love the Tsuki sitting beside me right now" she said letting the smallest smile show.

"You really do. I don't really understand why or how, but you aren't lying. I'm thankful for that" Tsukishima said, looking at the snow refusing to make eye contact.

"You really beat yourself up about that day don't you?" Kimi asked. She could still clearly remember when they first met, the way he held the gun out and threatened to kill them all. But she was positive that the only person who was still upset about that was Tsukishima himself.

He nodded silently. "I can't ever forgive myself for that day. I hate myself for what happened then. I wanted to send you all away, even though it would have probably killed you guys. I didn't care... Natsu was with you... She would have died because of me. So how could I possibly let her look up to me?" Tsukishima explained.

"It's okay Tsuki, Natsu doesn't care about that. You've changed just like everyone else" Kimi said as she gently put her hand on Tsukishimas.

Tsukishima flashed a very brief small smile as he finally looked up to make eye contact with the girl. "Thank you Kimi" he said softly.

Kimi smiled back. She was thankful for this boy, happy that he stuck around all this time. 

"Tsuki I think you need to know that no matter what anyone else thinks including yourself, I can't live without you. If you died it would kill me. At some point I unknowingly opened up and let a snarky idiot like you become a huge part of my life" she said grinning lightly.

Tsukishima smiled back. "That really does mean a lot to me..." he said quietly. "You know we never really did have a proper kiss" he added changing the subject. He could only hope it wasn't too soon for Kimi. Kai had seemed intent on him making her happy, if he didn't say anything then Tsukishima never would have made that comment.

"And what's your idea of a proper kiss?" Kimi asked laughing.

"Well, I'd say one with no sexual tension, no intention of bringing it any further, just a kiss between two people who care about each other. Nothing more than that" Tsukishima explained almost shyly. Then he shrugged "at least that's what I imagine" he added.

Kimi stared at him, she was surprised that he wanted a connection like that. "Let's kiss then, nothing sexual just an 'I love you' kiss" she said.

Tsukishima nodded as he leaned closer to the girl. Kimi also leaned in, but before she closed her eyes something caught her attention from the corner of her vision.

"What the hell!" she said jumping away from the boy. Tsukishima nearly jumped at her words almost completely crumbling before he realized she was staring at the gate and the two new people standing there. Two people who looked a hell of a lot like Kimi.