Lana pov.
Oscar saw us kiss and hadn't said anything all day... I am panicking in my head... I tried to keep calm not wanting to freak out in front of Chris his mother... Who by the looks of it found it hilarious...
I got caught up in the moment and it was just a small kiss... but is should have known better... What if he got the wrong idea... Oh god this isn't good... I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking about it all... When kids are around you can't be careful enough because they see more than you realize... I can feel Chris his eyes on me but i dont dare to look at him... Too afraid of my own emotions or maybe i am just afraid of his reaction... My mind is racing and the panic inside of me starts to rise...
"And what do you think about that..." I hear Lisa ask Oscar and her question pulls me out of my panic and i look at Oscar who shrugs his little shoulders. "Mommy and Chris were smiling... Daddy never made mommy smile... He always hurt her and made her cry..." He says in a small voice... and it is getting hard to breath... "Excuse me for a moment..." I say standing up and walking out of the room.
I know i should have taken Oscar with me and walk out to talk to him... but i needed a minute to gather my thoughts and pull myself together... It would only upset him to see me upset... I have talked with Oscar about everything that happened of course i did... We talked about what his dad did... I told him it was never his fault and i apologized to him for having to go through all that... I felt so guilty for not leaving earlier...
I just thanked God he wasn't there when everything happened with my best friend Ava... He was at a sleepover at a friend's house... It was the reason Kyle lost it... Oscar wasn't with me, and he went crazy... I am so thankful that he was spared that...
I shook my head not wanting to think about that night... I needed to breath... I was so embarrassed what must his mother think of me... She must think i am a terrible mother...
"Lana...?" i heard and turned around and Chris walked up to me. I looked at him with tear filled eyes. He hugged me and i let out a sigh as i felt my body relax... "I am sorry... I..." I murmured... But Chris cut me off. "Shhh... It is okay... Oscar caught me off guard to... I was sure he hadn't seen us kiss... But sweetheart he also has seen me in your bed... and he didn't seem to be upset about it... or confused... and isn't it a good thing to see 2 people care for each other..." Chris said.
"It is... i am not confused and upset about the kiss... Well not the way you think... what he said after that... about his dad... it just hit hard..." I said wiping away my tears.
"It just hurts... and i feel so guilty... I should have left sooner... He shouldn't have to think like this... I am scared Chris... Seeing us kiss made him expect things and what if i can't live up to those expectations... Your mother must think i am a terrible mother... I can't even blame her... I am a terrible mother... I should have left sooner i should have done more to protect Oscar from it all... Than Ava would be still alive..." I said as i was starting to spiral... panic and guilt taking over... Chris cut me off by kissing me... I melted into the kiss and my mind went quiet... "Sorry... I didn't know how to stop you from overthinking..." Chris said blushing when we broke apart... I just shook my head...
"Lana look at me..." Chris said putting his finger under my chin gently forcing me to look up... "I can't imagine what you went through... What you both went through... And i can't predict the future... Nobody can... But give it a chance... Give us a chance even if it is a slow chance... I can't explain it and i know it is ridiculous because we only just got to know each other... But i like having you around... I like having Oscar around..." He says staring at me with his blue eyes and it calms me a wave of calm washes over me...
I have to admit i like having him around to... I like how he is with Oscar... But that is also what scares me... "Can you promise me that whatever happens between us you won't take it out on Oscar..." I whisper and Chris smiles. "Yes... I can promise that... I promise that whatever happens between us i will be here for him when he needs me..." Chris says and i let out a sigh of relief... Although people have promised me a lot before and i was disappointed so many times somehow him saying that... I felt like i could trust him... But could i trust myself...? Could i trust my own judgement...?
Ava's words ran through my head again... "Life live... Be happy... Dont let it all be for nothing... You and Oscar deserve to be happy..." God i miss her... She knew what to do she always knew the right thing to say... But i think she would tell me to take the plunge... No... I know she would... I chuckle and Chris looks at me confused. "Sorry i was thinking about my best friend and what she would say in this situation..." I said and Chris smirked. "What would she say...?" He asked and i chuckled again... "Nothing i could repeat... But okay... Let's give it a chance... but slow..." I say smiling and Chris his face lights up and he catches me by surprise kissing me again.
He takes my hand, and we walk back in the kitchen and i smile as Lisa is playing a boardgame with Oscar... "Hey buddy can you pause the game and help me with Dodger and Bob in the yard..." Chris says and i smile at him because it was like he could read my mind... "Yesss!" Oscar says and jumps up and runs to the back door followed the dogs and a laughing Chris...
I wait until they are out of ear shot and then i turn to Lisa. "I am sorry..." I say but she shakes her head. "No need to be sorry..." She says smiling... "Please come sit with me for a moment..." She says patting the chair next to her. I sit down and she smiles. "I am sorry i didn't mean to pry but when you were with Chris in the living room Oscar told me a little bit about what his dad did..." She says giving me sympathetic smile... "I didn't ask him to tell me... He just started talking and asked me if Chris was ever going to hurt you..." Lisa says. I sigh and at that moment i just wish for the world to swallow me whole...
"I am sorry he... I... You must think i am a terrible mom..." I whisper looking at my hands. "What no... never... Domestic abuse is a complicated thing... I just want you to know if you ever need someone to talk to... to call me..." Lisa says smiling giving me a piece of paper with her number on it and i look at he shocked but take it... "My son is a good man..." She says and i smile and nod... "I know..." I whisper. "I am not scared of him hurting me... I dont know why... but even in the short amount of time i know him he makes me feel safe..." I say blushing and Lisa smiles.
Before i can say anything, Oscar comes running back in with Dodger and Bob and a few seconds later Chris appears... "Mommy Chris let me hold the shield..." He says jumping up and down and we all laugh. "He did?" I say and smile. Oscar nods and i pull him into my lap.
"Well i am going to go..." Lisa says smiling... "Noooo..." Oscar says pointing at the game they were playing and i laugh... "Oscar and i are always very competitive when it comes to boardgames..." I say smiling. "Well, we better finish our game then..." Lisa says. "Can mommy and Chris play to...?" Oscar asks and Lisa nods... "If they want... But then we have to start over..." Lisa says and Oscar clears the game immediately making us all chuckle.
