Lana pov...
Waking up and seeing Chris sleeping on the side of the bed holding my hand meant the hell was over... Running my fingers to his soft hair was just to check if it was real... He wakes and looks at me... Seeing his face really makes me realize that the hell i was in is over...
I make a joke because i want to see him smile... It works and then all of a sudden it hits me and i ask where Oscar is... He assures me he is with Lisa...He gives me a kiss and gently lays me back down. I give in because my body hurts all over... But when he gives me a sweet soft kiss again i can finally really relax... He shows me a drawing of Oscar to proof he has been here and as much as i just want to hold my boy i can't help but feel so tired...
A nurse comes in and smiles telling me it is nice to see me awake and that everyone has been rooting for me... I am just confused who is we but keep quiet... She asks me how i am doing and i can't help but respond with a joke telling her i feel like i have been hit in the head... She chuckles before she tells me to get some rest and that the doctor would see me in the morning...
Chris tells me that he was scared he was never going to see me again... Seeing him looking so tired and scared breaks my heart and i apologize for not seeing it coming... He crawls into bed with me holding me tight telling everything will be okay... I just hold onto him and start crying...
The next morning the nurse wakes us up and jokes that it is not protocol for Chris to be sleeping with me in the bed... Chris gets off and i whine feeling cold and uneasy without him which i know sounds ridiculous because he is right there...
She leaves telling the doctor will be by in a minute and indeed a few minutes later the doctor walked in... He checks me over... He asks if Chris has told me everything and i blush telling him we didn't really talk yet...
He tells me when i was brought to the hospital i was severely dehydrated and hypothermic... He pauses for a minute and takes a deep breath telling me that despite their best efforts they weren't able to save my pregnancy... I just look at him in shock... "I was pregnant... I lost our baby?" I whisper looking at him and then at Chris and it feels like someone has punched me in the face again... and i start to cry...
"I am so sorry..." I say apologizing to Chris... He must hate me... I was not strong enough to protect our baby... But he holds me and tells me there is nothing i have to be sorry about... But i can't... I failed... I failed to protect our baby... Our baby... I didn't even know i was pregnant... It was certainly not planned... But it would certainly be welcomed... But my baby was gone... Why was i so sad about something i lost before i even knew i had it... Chris must be so disappointed in me... In the fact i was not able to protect our baby... But he just held me as i kept saying sorry over and over again telling me i had nothing to be sorry about...
Lisa had asked if it was okay to come by with Oscar and after i had agreed Chris helped me clean up a little... When Oscar ran in i couldn't help but smile and Chris had to temper him a bit but he lifted him up the bed and i just pulled him in my arms holding him so tight... I was so happy to see my boy again. I took a deep breath taking him in just holding him tight not really wanting to let him go...
Lisa asks how i am doing with tears in her eyes and i tell her i am okay... I dont tell her about the baby because i dont want her to hate me... She cry's telling me how sorry she is... that she was not there but i silence her and tell her there was nothing she could have done...
Oscar asks me when i am going home and i tell him that i dont know that i have to wait for the doctor to tell me it is okay to go home... I thank him for his beautiful drawing and ask him if he is having fun with grandma... He tells me they baked cookies together and i just smile knowing Lisa was doing everything she can to keep him distracted...
Chris wouldn't budge when i told him to go home and get some sleep... He looks so tired... He says he is not letting me out of his sight... We talk about everything... I tell him what happened and what Tara's plan was... That when she threatened Oscar i fought back because i didn't want her to get to my boy and that is when she started to beat me so bad i blacked out...
I will never tell me that i woke up in the forest... and that i had given up... I was cold and tired... I had given in knowing i would never see my boy and Chris again... Everything hurt... I tried to get up once, but my body was not working with me... So, i just gave in and gave up... I didn't want to die... I wanted to go back to Chris and Oscar... But my body was too weak... I was too weak... I did not eat or drink in the time she got me... I was in pain but most of all cold and i just hoped death would come quick...
Then i heard dogs... and saw flashlights... But before i realized it was the police darkness took over... I would never talk about all that... The shame about the fact i had given up... That i was ready to leave Chris and especially my boy behind... And now that i lost our baby to... It was just too much and when Chris brought up the baby i shut it down... I didn't want to talk about it... I was such a selfish person... I was ready to die... and that must have caused the baby to die...
Chris just crawled back in bed with me and held me... I knew i didn't deserve it... I didn't deserve to be held by him and i was sure if he ever knew that i had given up... He wouldn't be holding me... He would be disgusted with me... But i was selfish and weak... I needed him and i cried until i fell asleep...
