Chris pov...
Ma has left... She told me she felt guilty but that she hopes that she still can be included... But i told her i needed to talk to Lana and that she came first... That she was right we haven't been taken her comfort in consideration... Ma looked a bit sour at this, but she nodded and left... I just asked her to not take this out on Lana... I made the promises without talking to her, so it was my fault. She said she didn't blame Lana, but she could have said something sooner instead of blowing up...
But i wasn't sure could she... Knowing Lana she wants to keep everyone happy... Knowing Lana, she would just go with it until she had enough because she probably wanted me to be happy... Besides we could be quite overwhelming and now that she had exploded i could see how everything must have seen to her... She was right ma hadn't even said hello but just stroked her belly... I can only imagine how frustrated she had been... What hurt the most is that she felt less than human... She felt a cow? a host? Hearing her say that was like a slap to the face.
I walked to the bedroom, but the door was locked and i could hear her sob in the bedroom... "Lana... Sweetheart... Can you please open the door..." I said. "No... I dont want to talk to you right now..." A small voice said and i sighed... "Please sweetheart... I am so sorry..." I said but there was no answer...
I sighed and walked to Oscar's room and smiled as he was still gaming with his headphones on and i was glad, he didn't hear anything... I walked back to the living room and sat down... I was lost... How did i fuck up so much without noticing... How was i going to fix this... I had promised pampering and a stress-free pregnancy and i failed... It was no excuse but i was just so excited and ma was to... But after hearing Lana naming everything in on breath i knew we went too far and i feel ashamed... Then to hear her say how heartbroken and uncomfortable she was over the announcement... Well i felt so stupid... I was to blame for her feeling uncomfortable... I made her feel like keeping a mustache secret was more important than our baby... and that hit me hard because i never thought of it like this.
What if she isn't going to forgive me and i can't be there when our baby is born... What if she won't go the appointment... Or what is she doesnt want me to go... "Mommy?" I heard coming from the hallway and Oscar appeared in the living room... "Where is mommy...?" Oscar asked and before i could say anything Lana appeared. "I am here sweetie..." She said smiling at Oscar and hugging him...
"Can we have mashed potatoes for dinner..." He asked smiling and Lana chuckled. "Sure..." She said and kissed his head... "I'll go make dinner..." She said and walked past me into the kitchen... "Hey buddy do you have homework for school?" I asked and Oscar nodded... "Do you need help with that?" I asked and he shook his head... "Then go start on that until dinner is ready, okay?" I said and he smiled and ran back to his room.
I sighed and walked to the kitchen where Lana was busy her eyes were still red and puffy and i was clear she had been crying. "Lana?" I said and she shook her head... She was struggling and on the verge of tears again so i walked over and i just pulled her in my arms and to my surprise she didn't resist but just held on to me and cried... I just held her knowing she needed this for now before we could talk... She needed to cry it out. "I am so sorry..." I whispered over and over again kissing the top of her head...
She calmed down and i sat her down at the counter and sat opposite of her... "I am so sorry sweetheart... Please tell me how i can fix this..." I said and she said nothing but after a few second, she took a deep breath and she started to speak in a soft nervous tone of voice...
"I know i am part to blame for not speaking up earlier... But i felt kind of overruled and i never felt like i could get a word in... You made all these discissions without me... I dont want your mom or family to hate me but i dont want her in the delivery room... I dont want her at the appointments. I dont want her to tell me if i should breast feed or bottle feed... I dont want her here every day... I feel like o can't do anything... Because i am scared she will scold me for doing something wrong... I dont feel at peace... I want to clean and get ready for when the baby comes but i am too nervous with her around all the time... I hate that they all grope me without asking... The only one who doesnt is Carly... And i can't express how much i dont want her here after the birth... I dont want anyone here... They can come and say hello in the hospital and meet our baby but i want family bonding time... It feels like the live i loved starts to crumble around me and i can't help but feel panicked... Is this how it is going to be Chris? Is this what my live is going to be... once again i dont count i am a nobody in this family... I am invisible and all i am good for is to take care of you and our kids and to shut up... I have lived that live Chris and i dont want it again... I can't again... I am sorry but i can't... I matter to..." She said and she started crying uncontrollably and i felt even more like an ass because i knew what she meant...
She felt like with her ex... Like she didn't matter... I didn't hit her or called her names or humiliated her but i made her feel like she didn't matter and that feeling sucked... I wrapped my arms around her and held her and let her cry again kissing the top of her head again and apologizing over and over again... Because that is all i could come up with right now...
