BULLIED

Stuff 58

Ever since a child, I never suspected there'd never be a problem with me or with school, but I guess I was wrong. Since kindergarten I knew I was "gay," but I didn't know what to call it. Throughout kindergarten to 4th grade, I thought being "gay" was a normal thing for people. But after 4th grade, I realized it wasn't to other people.

I've experienced the "hatred" that people felt towards gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgenders and it made me feel like a terrible person. Hearing all the negativity left me terrified, and anxious because if anybody knew, then I'd probably get bullied.

But people assumed I was gay because of how I lack masculinity, and strength. I am physically weak, because I'm more of a sitting person, rather than an athletic person. I've been called "gay" or "fag" by this one particular group of people,
which made me want to skip school everyday.

Two years later in the summer of 2013, I've been desperate looking for answers to how I can come out to my parents without the urge to vomit or cry. Ever since my experiences with negativity towards LGBT I've been slowly getting more depressed day after day; year after year. It's been haunting me.

Later that summer, I've Skyped a few friends of mines, some were friends that I know in person, and some were friends from the internet. They were the epitome of drama, every week we'd experience some sort of fight with each other, and it's so stupid. One night, there was about eight of us in call, we've been playing "Truth or Dare" but 99% of the time it was just truth. One of the questions were for me, "____ are you gay?" she asked. And I truthfully answered, thinking it was probably best for them to know what I truly am.

Fast forward to now~

Ever since then my friends knew I was gay, but they taunted me for it. They made offensive gay jokes that really offended me. I dunno why they are friends with me even though they found my sexuality a "sin" and "not normal" I was still depressed till this day. I self harm, and I have really bad anxiety, I have to take antidepressants, but I constantly refuse to.

Bullying got worse, people didn't understand me, they thought I was just self-harming for "attention" but I actually believed that self-harm would do something, I thought that if I hurt myself people would stop hurting me instead, but now I can't stop and it's a habit, that I really want to quit.

It seems like day by day, everyone would flaunt about their success, knowing how I feel. I've stopped doing what I enjoyed to do, such as drawing, photography, making song mashups, and other stuff. I'm a mess.

And thanks to my friends, who told the whole school that I'm gay, lot's of people know now. It's not that I care that they did what they did. But it hurt because I thought they were better than that, and so much people stare at me like I'm some sort of monster, and the first day everyone heard the news that I was gay, I heard them talking, and talking.

To this day, I have no friends, still depressed, people still talk behind my back, calling me a "fag", nobody has the urge to talk to me, no one is really there for me right now, except my mother, and my wonderful boyfriend who's sadly gone for a few months. But I believe that things will get better.