BULLIED

Submission 978

I didn't really know it was bullying when I started getting bullied, of course, the people who started it were my friends.

I was in the 3rd grade, I didn't exactly know what bullying was, I just knew you shouldn't pick on others because of a certain flaw or flaws they might have.

I've never really been the smartest in my classes, things just come harder to me than they do for others.

When my friends started to notice I was struggling with this, the took advantage of it for their own fun. I was pretty sure they were kidding around, calling me 'stupid' and saying that 'I should go back to preschool'.

But it didn't really ever stop, it just got worse, which made it harder and harder for me to believe that they were just joking around.

At first it was just my friends calling me names because of how I was doing academically, but then more and more people joined in.

My classmates started calling stupid in other subjects too. Like in Art class, when I drew something, all of my 'friends' would take my paper and call it ugly and tell me that I couldn't draw at all. Eventually, they decided that I wasn't good at anything, just because I was failing academically.

If i'm stupid, people also think it means i'm ugly, fat and that I can't do anything right.

It hasn't stopped yet. I'm waiting for people to change and learn that you don't remind someone of a certain flaw(s) they have. You just don't.

It follows me around everywhere. I'm called retarded, an idiot and countless other things that substitute for the word 'stupid' a numerous amount of times every day, way too many times to count. I love my friends a lot, but they just don't understand that it hurts like hell when they pick on me.

Like last summer, I was at sleep away camp. All I wanted was to not be judged. For once.

I was only there for two weeks. I made a lot of friends but I guess people could see right through me. If I didn't get simple logic correct, they'd laugh in my face and call me stupid or retarded every single time I didn't understand. I wore makeup too, so all of the girls say stuff like I was just another pretty dipshit.

No one ever stood up for me. They all thought it was okk since it was my friends who was doing it. I don't talk to anyone because they simply wouldn't understand. It just gets so lonely. I can't tell any of my friends about it, because they'd just tell me I needed to stop being a crybaby and accept the fact that i'm stupid and always will be. My parents would give me a lecture and yell at me to study more, even though all I do is study.

Teachers don't even get it. Who am I supposed to turn to? I'm sick and tired of being made fun of because i'm not as smart as everyone else. People think i'm a waste of space.

One day I had a really bad day. I didn't think life was worth being mercilessly teased every day. I was getting this thick string our Art teacher kept in her drawers for this project we were working on while everyone else was at lunch. I cut a long piece of the string and went to the bathroom on the 3rd floor, nobody ever went in there.

I sat on one of the sinks and cried for a few minutes, my mascara burning my eyes, before hopping down and looking myself in the mirror. I thought it would be easier to do if I thought negative thoughts to myself like, 'you're not worth it' and 'you're worthless', surprisingly it worked. The string was a neon red color. I wrapped it around my neck and looked at it for a few seconds before I started to pull on it. I pulled on it as hard as I could. I remember I was choking on my own tears. I didn't hurt surprisingly. It just felt like I was drowning.

After what felt like forever from pulling, everything went blurry and I thought I was finally going to be released from this living hell aka planet Earth. I heard the bathroom door open and someone called my name. I pulled as hard as I could. It was one of my friends. She came into the bathroom and as soon as she processed what was happening, she came running over to me and tried to pull my hands off the string, she was crying, something I'd never seen her do before. All I remember is that when I saw her crying, I let go of the string and fell to the floor, choking and crying.

It happened 2 years ago so I only remember vivid details. But the friend who came in and stopped me, called me a dumb bitch and left me to hang out with some other girls. We didn't talk after that.

I got some counseling after that, for about 6 months. I got better but I went through a phase where I stopped eating. I skipped meals and drank lots of water, only eating a bag of chips for the entire day. But i'm fine now. It's just hard to not feel alone when you really are.