BULLIED

Submission 974

Well, to start things off, I'm trans (female to male). A couple years ago, I started weightlifting, hoping I could go for a more masculine body. It worked, but most of the people in my class got scared of me since I'd gotten so much stronger than them. Then I cut my hair without my parents permission, and told them that I was a guy now. I'd always felt that way, and it was a huge relief to finally tell them. They were very supportive at first, they even replaced my wardrobe and gave me a new name.

It started off good. I thought I had my life set and planned out, but my grandma came to stay. Doesn't seem like such a big change, having her live with us, but she's very religious and hated the fact that her one and only granddaughter wasn't a granddaughter anymore. She turned my parents against me and she hit me. I had to go to school with bruises from her.

People were already afraid of me, and having scars just turned them away more. I just wanted a friend who I could trust and who wouldn't make fun of me. I found one, she was the nicest girl I ever met. She let me rant and cry on her, and didn't judge me at all for anything I did. I think I even started liking her.

I don't know why, but she turned on me. she started saying nasty things about me on social media, and since she knew everything she could blackmail me as much as she wanted. I asked her why she had betrayed me so, and she said we were never friends in the first place. She was just using me so she could get more followers, more likes, more friends. I felt so alone. I just wanted to go and hide in a ditch and cry and cry until I died.

I'm a very social person. I love being around people. I love having friends. But nobody liked me. Nobody dared to even touch me. I felt so alone and I could feel my mind shutting down a little more everyday. Eventually, it shut down completely. I didn't care about others. I didn't have emotions. I was just an emotionless robot trudging through the days.

One day, for no reason but to humiliate me, the girl-my former friend, texted me. She said she was sorry and she didn't mean any of those hurtful things. I was an idiot and said it was okay, that I could forgive her. She replied: "Jk! Screenshotted!" And I saw the screenshot go viral among my classmates. I even saw her contacts name for me: Trans.. Then a masked emoji. All my emotions that I had shut out rushed forward all at once. I don't know what came over me. I just stormed out onto my porch with a knife, yelled "I hate you, ___! I hate you mom, I hate you dad, I hate you grandma! I hate you all!" Then I stabbed myself until the world went dizzy and I collapsed.

I don't know how I survived. I really don't know. All I know is that I shouldn't have. People have just bullied me more since then. I have tried to kill myself multiple times since then. The girl had shown up to my house on the first day I attempted suicide, since her dad works at the hospital, and she took about a dozen photos of me, lying on the porch, bloody, with a knife in my hand. She's been posting them on social media, and even though I've reported her multiple times nothing has happened. I'm just so overwhelmed by life and I don't want to live it anymore. If life was a game, I've already lost, and I want to quit before I get hurt more.

QUESTION: People always say you just need to brush off the haters, pick yourself up, and move on. How do you do that? How do you make it sound so easy to be brave when it's a struggle to convince myself to get out of bed in the morning? How?

*Update provided as Submission 998*