BULLIED

Story 406

What type of bullying did you experience (cyberbullying, teasing, name calling, physical altercations, etc.)?

1. I've experienced cyberbullying, teasing, name calling, physical and sexual bullying.

How old were you when the bullying started?

2. At that time, I was six.

Who bullied you?

3.) Everyone. I was a weak human being who couldn't do anything right.

How did you feel while being bullied?

4. I felt weaker. As if I couldn't do anything. Disabled. Lost. Terrified.

How did you feel after being bullied?

5. Alone. Unable to trust anyone.Hurt.

Have you told anyone that you were being bullied?

6. My teachers but they never listen. My mother but she don't care. I called the police once at the age of 10. They didn't know what to do when my parents shooed them out and then punished me for calling them.

Why/Why not?

7. Because I was alone and depressed.

How long were you bullied?

8. Till thirteen.

Are you still being bullied?

9. No.

It all started in a public school back in elementary. I was excited to make new friends and learn. Before I joined the public school, I was home-schooled for pre-school. Since I was born as a sick girl, I got sick more than fifteen times a year. I would be too paralyzed in bed that I couldn't get up properly. That was the reason why I was home-schooled. Also not to mention my asthma that was passed down to me from my father. I love him. I am more on my father's side than my mother's. But since they home-schooled me, I had no clue what the outside part looked like. I didn't have much knowledge of what friends were. Many started to call me names just for the pleasure of it. I made friends but they quickly went away one by one.

All because... I was an embarrassment. I wore clothes that were meant for actual babies. Since I was so short, I was mistake was a lot to be around three. But besides that, later on, when I was eight, I could still wear my favorite size four jacket.

Meanwhile, kids would call me: (Also ones from the present day)

"Shorty"

"Screw-Up"

"Idiotic Brat"

"Clueless"

"Weak."

"Ugly."

And more. The rest are too painful to list in my eyes. I got in trouble for other people's doings. I cried. I always wished every night. That everything would be simple and fair. No matter how much, I couldn't get that wish to be fulfilled. I was depressed. Slowly became "like" an emo/gothic by the time I was in fifth grade.

I thought I "loved" their style. I dressed like them a bit. No piercings yet though. Many say I wasn't an emo. They called me a liar and a fake. They said people who are emo... Are nobodies.

Every night, I would write random notes. Each would be covered in my tears and horrible handwriting of sadness and pain. I sometimes send some to my best friend. A guy who I would play a fantasy world with. My only friend. Nothing special. We were just friends. There was that one time... I showed him something and he wanted to try it. He fell and ended up breaking his wrist. I wasn't aware until he came back.

It was my fault. I couldn't forgive myself. He said to not worry about it but I couldn't never forget. I couldn't never make a friend happy. Only upset and hurt. Physically or mentally. Later on, he abandoned me and became friends with others. I didn't know why... But I didn't mind. He was happy. I was still bullied and alone though. But by back in fourth grade, I changed. I became a shy and weak girl to a normal one. Okay and basically a wallpaper. I still wasn't happy. I was hurt.

But near the end of fifth grade, I snapped. I cut my hair. Exercised even more. And played sports. Used my kicking skills... to hurt bullies. So then.. I became a bully myself. People then said I was brave. Fierce. But I knew... that wasn't who I really am. Some people fought back. But I would always win. I wasn't weak anymore. I didn't have asthma anymore. I didn't get sick a lot. I became stronger in my physical being but not mentally. I was depressed still.

Like something was missing. I had a lot of friends by sixth grade. They all "worshipped" me they say because I was the strength. The athletic one. But that's not who I was. So I cried every night. Knowing... This isn't the real me in this body. I tried to kill myself once... But I just couldn't do it. By the end of sixth grade, I became nicer. I was generous and thought of people. I wanted to say sorry to the people that I bullied. But I was too weak.

I have.. What you would call muti-personalities. Because of physical and sexual abuse. I dramatically changed from girly-girl to shy to a nerd and then to an emo and then to a tomboy. Moving over to become a gamer. But as a gamer, I was cyber-bullied. I became depressed again. But at least I have friends on the game. But they later on stopped playing... And left. Only a few stayed. My mother abused me because I play too much. But... technology was the only thing left that brought me happiness. With my friends.

There was that one day that I nearly got ran over by a car. When it came at me, I wanted it to kill me. I didn't know what I was except a monster. A monster that deserved to die in this world. But I was saved by my father.

Later on, I went to a private school because my mom said that I was too stupid so she wanted me to have a better education. My dad agreed. Not because I was stupid though. I thought I would be safe and happy there but I was wrong. I changed again. I became a girly-girl there. And a tomboy to the outside. I was still bullied no matter what. They teased of how short I was. Not knowing my past one bit. I don't blame them... but it is painful. A little brat walked up to me one day during school and pulled my hair. Like literally yanked it as hard as he could. I stumbled to the ground but I stood strong. No one noticed. Being bullied by the little one was embarrassing but I learned from it. I now have a (kind-of-love) relationship with a guy now and I am pretty happy.

I used to write letters to everyone but I regret to give it to them. So I burned it all up. I do want to share a message though... One last message before I end this.

"Forgive all that harmed. Even if it does no good, it is the best way than to hurt them back. Don't hold in tears. Release it. Yet smile to the fullest that you are thankfully alive right now. Pray for the deceased. Part of the suicidal episode. Feel the pain and learn from it. Know your flaws. Understand who you are. Be strong all at once. Fight mentally though the pain. Cry. Laugh. Live. Hope. Save. You."

-Hanna