BULLIED

Submission 538

First I have to tell you something about me. I can be considered insane. I am currently struggling with Bipolar Disorder 2 and my cutting habit. I am very paranoid, not very trusting. I recently came out as a Pan.

It all started around 2nd grade. My father thought that having very short hair would be very practical, so he cut it, giving me a very boyish haircut.

4th and 5th graders after school would constantly tell me that I'm a "Boy-girl" and similar insults. One day they tried to beat me up when the teacher was gone, I resisted by refusing to be dragged around. (They tried to swing my body and hit it against the metal playground materials). I guess they just didn't like me. The teacher came but didn't see. I lucked out and got to move away.

That was when I became paranoid. My best friend from that school had replaced me in my eyes. I felt alone and lonely, it only worsened when I left. I tried to make friends at school and for a while, I was happy. Hyper, crazy, and happy.

That ended. The end of 4th grade marked a new period of depression. I was considered a bitch, a weirdo, and a lunatic. I was shunned. I turned to anime, to art, and to a fellow outcast for support. But the friend and I lost contact over the summer.

During the summer, I was told that I was a slut by a bunch of older kids. They made fun of my ridiculously large forehead and Asian heritage. It made me remember my elementary school experience and I felt awful. I told nobody.

6th grade started and I made new friends. In the end, they started leaving me, and I was left to deal with my own emotions. I reached a strange high and obsessed over anime. My grades, stayed high, nobody questioned my mental health.

7th grade started. Rumors about how I would give blow jobs to guys and cheat on tests flew around. They labeled me as a crazy lesbian. I started cutting and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. A few friends found out and treated me like trash. I felt more alone than ever and started acting like the lunatic they thought I was to drive them away, so I wouldn't be hurt anymore. I depended more and more on anime, on art. My grades stayed high and I went to state science fair. My art improved. My parents had marital issues and never really helped me, only adding the pressure. My closest friend hurt me by trying to commit suicide. I knew of her pain and we confided in eachother. It hurt since I knew that she wanted to die.

I had to be a perfect Asian child. I was the peacekeeper, the diplomat of the family. I dealt with the arguements, being locked out for a day and night, being hit, all with a smile.

My emotions and behavior changed in the mania and depression cycles. I did my best to stay strong.

Now, it's 8th grade. I came out as a Pan to be shunned, but I have real friends now, ones struggling the same way I do. I am still cutting but I have better control over my urges now. My friend is alive and her depression is being treated.

My parents have not yet let me get treatment but I am hoping they will soon.

Stay strong, there's always a way out.