BULLIED

Story 333

When I started Primary School at 4 years old, I was completely alone and friendless. I tried to join various groups, but I was always rejected. I would sit on the drainage slit on the playground and cry every break or lunch time. Then I met these two new girls, and they let me in, and gave me friendship. I thought that my days of crying were over, but 4 year old me was too naive and innocent, obviously. One of those girls (known now as Bully1) began to get jealous of my friendship with the other girl (now known as Friend). Bully1 started to exclude me from the games she played, move away from me in class, and sit at a different table at lunch time, and all the time she would take Friend with her (Friend was a very gentle, quiet person, and neither she nor I knew what was happening). I didn't think there was anything wrong with her deliberately excluding me and with her getting other people to exclude me too, not even when the bullying properly started.

She began to call me names and spread rumours about me. She would tell Friend lies that I had said I hated her, and vice versa to me. The thing was, that even then I still thought of her as my friend. I trusted her completely, I had told her all my secrets, everything about me. She was manipulative, and she took all of those things and used them against me, but even then I still thought of her as my friend. She called me all sorts of things, geek, freak, weirdo, creep, loser, loner; I might as well have not had a name. She turned the whole of my year on me with the rumours about me, and with the fact that I was intelligent, and that I was quite musical. By this time I was only 5.

And the names weren't the things that hurt the most (I know now that they don't mean anything, but they hurt so much for so many years, and still do). Bully1 said stuff to me that I can never forget. Here's a list of just a few of them:

"You are a worthless life form, in fact, you don't even deserve to be called a life form, because you're just a robot. A robot programmed to answer questions and play the violin, but you have no soul and no feelings, you pile of junk." (Aged 6)

"Get away from me, you pathetic creep. You are a failure, and everyone wishes you were never born. I wish you were never born. Even you're parents wishe you were never born, you're such a waste of space." (Aged 7)

"What are you doing breathing? Don't you know that air could be used for some good purpose other than to fill your lungs? Why don't you just go kill yourself? That's all you deserve. It would be better for everyone if we never had to see you again." (Aged 7)

"Oh that's right, go cry. You're so useless, and weak. Are you scared of me? What, scared I'm telling the truth!" (Aged 8)

Those are just a few in a very long list that could span pages and pages. And even when she said that stuff I still trusted Bully1 and believed her to be my friend. I never saw Friend. When I tried to get near to her, Bully1 would insult me and hurt me until I went off crying. And the rest of my year (which comprised of 76 people) had joined in, and they all excluded me and said about the same things. I would go and sit in a corner every break and lunch, and then the groups of people would come up to me one by one and say all this stuff. I hated myself and I hated my life. I honestly believed they were right. I wanted to to die aged 7. I began to mildly self harm aged 8, and I started to attempt suicide.

But no, they couldn't just stop with verbal and emotional bullying, could they? No they had to start hitting me, kicking me, pushing me onto the floor, shoving me into a wall. Oh, and by the time I was 9, both the year above me and the year below me had joined in, making a total of 193 bullies. Friend never helped. She just sat in the corner, whilst I cried and cried, whilst I was insulted and insulted and hit and kicked. And still Bully1 was leading this crusade against me, when I was already broken and she had taken everything I was and destroyed it.

When I was 9, there was a major incident with Bully1. And I am recording it only so that you can see how much it stuck with me, how much it hurt, and what Bully1 was truly like. It has affected me even to this day, these words alone.

Bully1: What do you think you're doing, sitting in the corner crying? Trying to get someone's attention? Well, no one will pay any attention to a stupid failure like you, geek. They're all too freaked out by your patheticness that they won't come anywhere near you. Everyone hates you. You should be glad you're lucky enough to be talking to me now.

Me: I don't want anyone's attention. Just leave me alone. What have I ever done to you? I know you're just jealous. Well, you can have Friend. I won't try to talk to her, I won't go near her. I'll be her friend, but I won't play with her or sit with her. You can have her. You've won. I am nothing now. Just stop. Just leave me. I've fought you for so many years to have this friendship, I've given up everything, but you win. Just let me live my broken life alone, don't hurt me. Because when I'm sat in that corner, what I'm thinking is how much I want to die.

Bully1: I don't care if you want to die. That's what I want. And we'll done, you finally realised I am better than you in every way. Anyway, it doesn't matter if I leave you alone now. Everyone else you ever meet will always hate you, just because I hated you.

Bully1 did leave me alone from that point. But everyone else carried on her good work, more vigilantly that she ever did, right until I was 11 and moved on to Secondary School. I was miserable. I cut every day. I had attempted suicide numerous times. Every night I would lie on my bed and cry myself to sleep.

When I got to Secondary, I hoped it wouldn't happen. Silly me again, obviously. Because even though no one from my Primary had gone to my Secondary, I was still worthy of the hatred and pain and misery. They carried on. I won't record what they said, because it was basically variants on what had been said before, just more and more and more. Life was intolerable. I had no friends at all, Friend was at another school. I wasn't strong enough.

The bullying continues even now, and I think it probably won't stop until I have left school. 10 long years, and what for? Nothing. All I'm left with is the hatred and the pain and the misery. And I'm now going to list a few ways it has affected me.

I can still physically see Bully1's face in front of my eyes.

Sometimes I forget where I am and I think that Bully1 is there, saying stuff to me. At those points I can't do anything. I have to bury my head in my hands and yell at myself that she isn't there and can't hurt me.

I can hear her voice saying everything she has ever said, and they physically ring in my ears all day long. They never stop. Ever.

I hate myself and everything about me. I am a worthless being.

I hate my life. It's a waste of my time now, because all I get is pain.

I cannot develop future friendships because I have no idea how to and because I'm too scared to trust anyone after what happened.

I am suicidal and I self harm.

If you are reading this, and you are being bullied, know someone who is being bullied, or are a bully yourself, please do something. Tell someone. Force someone to listen. Be kind and friendly to any victims. Don't let anyone else end up like me. And if you are a bully, stop. But I'd like to say something to all of you.

"Sometimes people bully and they don't even know they're doing it. They don't think what is happening. They say something mean to people regularly, and honestly believe they aren't doing anything wrong. Sometimes people bully and they are very well aware of it. They enjoy the pain of others, and want to capture hurt. Sometimes people bully because there is something wrong in their own lives, sometimes it's because they want to follow the crowd, sometimes they don't want to become a victims themselves. But it doesn't matter. Whenever you find yourself saying something mean to someone, question your actions. Think 'Have I done this before? How would I feel as the other person?'. But please, I beg you all. Don't let anyone else end up how I am now. No one else deserves this pain. Please. If I do commit suicide, I won't be dying becuase of that. I'll be dying becuase of the pain. I'll be dying becuase of the misery. I'll be dying because of the hatred.

I WILL BE DYING BECAUSE OF THE BULLYING."