BULLIED

Story 132

I guess I'll have to start this from the actual start. My memory is kind of fuzzy, but I can remember bits and parts of it.

First grade. To me, that's so young to be teased harshly. To be honest, in first grade, I had the best teacher ever. But the thing is, I couldn't speak English very well. You see, I'm Korean and I moved to Illinois when I was one. I always spoke Korean at home, so I hardly practiced my English. I was shy in preschool.

So when I came to elementary school, I was hyped. But still, I struggled with English. This is where my 'best teacher ever' comes in. She always helped me and she was always kindーto everybody. But this dude, we'll just call him DUDE, always seemed like he hated me, and I didn't even know why. This is a huge part. Skip over a few years, and we land in 5th grade.

Let me tell you that my 5th grade teacher was rude. DUDE was in my class, and he seized every humiliating scene to his advantage. He always teased me and said hurtful words.

Stupid. Shut up, your voice is annoying. Shut up you don't know, you're too young. Shut up no one likes you.

He used burns like your FACE is an accident. Your EXISTENCE is a waste.

And the thing is, he was the class clown. Everybody thought it was funny.

My friends didn't even stick up for me. They were too shy and scared. I was the "protector" and the "stand up" person in our little "group." I fight for what's right, and they never tried doing that.

So I was all alone.

I started to think. I'm stupid. Maybe he's right. Maybe I am ugly. Maybe I am stupid and naive.

So when I learned about suicide, self harm, and depression, I tried it out.

I took my safety scissors [how ironic] and rubbed it back and forth on my skin to torture me. Every last piece of sanity vanished.

The best part? I liked it.

So I did it five more times.

The pain that I felt? It felt more real.

I did it every time he hurt me.

||||

Sixth grade. The grade that changed everything. I'm going onto seventh next year.

The beginning was the worst. DUDE still seized every opportunity. But what hurt the most?

My own friend hurt me.

FRIEND1. He's a guy and he's still my friend. He called me "full of crap. I think that's why nobody likes you." And he smiled and laughed.

Basically, I'm always optimistic, happy, and social. So when I got quiet and got all sad and all that other shit, everybody noticed.

I hated it. I ignored FRIEND1 throughout the day and the week.

Worst part? He seemed sad and all that other shit. AND HE WAS THE ONE WHO INFLICTED IT.

Yet I "forgived" him. I owed it to him. In fourth grade, I was bullying him, along with my classmates.

I still have the guilt, even though he forgives me.

That's why I hate it when people say "thank you" to me whenever I do something "nice" on here. On wattpad. Because the guilt still haunts me.

Then I told my friend, my real, actual friend, that I'm depressed and I self harm.

She's the only one the understands and knows. Her parents were getting divorced.

And I get guilt from that, too. That I gave her a burden that weighed too much.

I cut our of guilt. I cut out of hurt. And I cut because I hate who I am.

And the saddest part is that I hide that with a smile.

It's interesting. That something so bright can hide the darkest night. But I did exactly that.

Over and over again, I get hurt by DUDE. Constantly forgiving him because that's who I am. A forgiver of bullies.

Then, near the end of the year, a girl [a "friend], FRIEND2, talked behind my "squad's" back. FRIEND3 is a loyal & honest girl and she told me.

And, being the friend I am, I confronted her and got into this argument. It's pathetic.

See, FRIEND2 is the kind of girl who worries of what people say about her. It's pathetic and stupid, and we were only in sixth grade. She worried that a guy she liked, CRUSH, didn't like her back [which I'm sure he doesn't like her].

She made up excuses that I knew weren't true. She's rude and cold. I'm friendly and nice to her, even after the argument, when she said that my "squad" [lawls] made her look like a dork. But she gives me the "look." You know, that eye thing that people give you when they hate you. It's stupid.

All this drama in sixth grade. I'm scoffing. I can't believe that all this has happened.

|||||

I'm athletic. I'm bright. I'm forgiving to those who hurt me. I'm defensive. But I hate myself, and I know why.

I'm mean. I'm rude in my jokes, yet I say sorry when I think it's too rude. I'm hostile. I don't give my trust easily. I'm pressured by my dad. I'm angry. And I'm only in sixth grade.

My life isn't as bad as other people's, but it hurts. I still cut, and I'm still depressed, yet I'm optimistic to others. My personality is conflicted, and I hate myself for that. I'm too selfless. It hurts. But yet I'm in Gryffindor because I'm adventurous and I'm not afraid to speak my mind. Brave, maybe. And I put others before myself. Chivalry.

But it still hurts that I let people do this to me. I hate being the center of attention and I hate talking about myself.

Hope is always there, even if it's a sliver. But it's fitting to quote Maya Hart from Girl Meets World now:

"Hope is for suckers."

What type of bullying did you experience (cyberbullying, teasing, name calling, physical altercations, etc.)?

1. Teasing, cyberbullying in some days

How old were you when the bullying started?

2. I guess 5th grade.

Who bullied you (please be vague by using terms such as old friend, classmate, neighbor, etc.)?

3. Classmate, and a friend.

How did you feel while you were being bullied?

4. I felt stupid. Worthless. Suicidal. I even wanted to kill myself. But I knew that's stupid. I just hope it gets better.

How did you feel after being bullied?

5. I'm still bullied [the year finished, but I'm cyberbullied].

Have you told anyone you know that you were bullied?

6. My friend

Why/why not?

7. To be honest, I don't know. I guess it's because she always understood, but I regret it. It's like she knows me inside & out.

How long were you bullied for?

8. Still bullied. From present time, 2 years, now 3 if it continues until the end of 2015

Are you still being bullied?

9. Yeah.