Kwentong Kolehiyo

proud girlfriend... na sana

Is it really this hard to move on?

I am always having these night reflections so I thought of posting it here in UST Files.

Our friendship started 3 years ago, back when we were in high school. We were from different schools, and only meet each other whenever there is an interschool competition. I was good in writing, but you did better. I was good in Math, but still, you are much better. I was awarded when we were in fourth year in research studies, but I still idolize you on that field because I know you are better than me. In so many ways, I want to be like you.

I always want to talk with you because I believe that will be of a great help to me. I learnt different things I have never knew before. You stand as my online and personal tutor. And also, I will always be thankful for the trust you have given to me. You share your joyful, sadness, family matters, acads matters, friendship matters, relationship issues, how your day went, and everything. I was truly pressured and at the same time honored when you tell your little and big secrets to me. Right then, I became your confidant, your shoulder to lean on, because I was able to understand you. You have a fantastic sense of humor, for me. You always make me laugh in your 'corny' jokes. I was enlightened by your words of wisdom. I owe you alot, honestly. Inspite of these, you were very religious. I was fascinated when I knew from your friends that you were an active member in an organization in your church. And also, you have an amazing, loving and very supporting family at your side. I live half of my life then being jealous of you. That was the reason why I love being your friend, and I feel very proud whenever I talk about you, even now.

And by that time that you were saying everything to me, I never realized that you are constantly falling in love with me. I never thought that it will turn out like this. I, who adores you much and so proud being your friend, was nervous and happy the time that you confessed your feelings to me.

Your friends see you as a playboy and the one who wants many things in life (including girls?), the one who has the greatest pride in your clique, the one who everyone sees as 'mayabang' but the one who the other girls see as 'gwapo' and the perfect guy that you'll die to hold on. But I never saw you as one. I saw you as someone ordinary but brought a large impact to my life. And I tell myself, maybe because by that time, I am already in love with this guy who's always there for me, the one I tell my secrets with, the one I always laugh with even in his corniest joke, the one who always teach academic and life lessons to me. But I am always like this when it comes to love, afraid to take risks and even more because it was you. I was full of insecurities, I always feel inferior when I am talking with you that I measure every single word I say. I tried to conquer all of these and my fears of you and love and finally came into the point that I was ready.

I was excited to tell you everything but then you suddenly became cold. You never texted nor leave any message on facebook. But I understood, may be you were busy, or may be you are out of town? I don't know but it was better to think that way. It came to a point that I asked one of your guy friend. By that time, you finally sent a message, a very long message, that I am dying to know but afraid to find out what was written.

And I've been gone out of my mind when I have read the message.

A text message saying that you don't like me no more, and that I am the one to blame why did everything turned out like this. A message of saying good bye and seems like you don't want to talk to me anymore. I was completely crazy for replying such things thinking that I can save the whole situation. But I was too late. I, who always thought of you as a dream-kind-of-guy, has this other girl, who is obviously prettier, skinnier, 1 year younger and seems to be ready enough than me.

I was too dumb to think that you are far away different from others. But you know what? I never regret any of those. I was still happy and thankful because those really happened in my life. The only thing that I was sad about, even until now, is the friendship we have made. Sayang na sayang. But maybe it was true that lovers cannot be friends again the same way that they had before. Or maybe I just assumed and expect that much from you?

To this person who doesn't seem to 'Like' this page because of his insecurities in UST (that was supposed to be funny), it was not hard to accept but it waz hard to forgive and forget, after year has passed. Masakit pa rin b3h, di ko man maamin, pero baka nga ikaw yung first love ko.

But remember that I will always be your proud friend, (I just don't know if you consider me as your friend) but still I am proud, of you, of everything you have achieved, for studying in your dream school. In so many instances, I will always adore you. And thank you, for at least, I, who have only dreamt being your friend, was the girl who had a part in your life.

-h

opeless romantic
2013
Faculty of Pharmacy