Kwentong Kolehiyo

An Open Letter for the Guy I Was Secretly Inlove with Throughout High School

To the Guy I was secretly inlove with during my Highschool years,

Dear Ogim.

This will be the last letter that I will write for you but, as always, you will never receive.

I was never special to you. To you, I was just this classmate you would see every day in class. Someone who you wouldn't look back at when we suddenly bumped into each other in the street. We weren't friends and we don't really talk much. We had different social circles and you hardly even notice me. But boy, you were more than that to me. You were never just the classmate I had. You were the guy that I would always look for whenever I arrive in school. Someone who I would always glance at every time I feel bored in class. Through those years we were classmates in High school, you slowly turned into my world.

You were everything to me while I wasn't anything to you.

We met during the first day of our high school lives. My eyes were roaming around the room, glancing at my classmates for the whole year. It was then when I caught a glimpse of you for the first time. You made my eyes stop roaming around just to check you out. You had a look of an angel. Someone so harmless who could never hurt anyone. But I was wrong. Because behind those eyes and that smile, you could easily break someone's heart. And you chose to break mine.

It was during the end of the school year when I started harboring feelings for you. You were my type but I never really thought that I'd end up liking you. I was so far from your world. You were popular, someone who would make the class laugh while I was just this innocent normal girl. I never would have noticed you if only you didn't start appearing in my dreams. If only you weren't starting to make small conversations. If only I didn't catch you secretly staring at me for the nth time. If only. Because if only I didn't? I wouldn't have thought that maybe, maybe something could happen. Maybe, I couldn't get you out of my head because there was a better reason. Maybe, you were meant to be there. But jokes on me, huh? Cause apparently, I assumed wrong.

During the last day of our sophomore year, I decided to confess my feelings. I decided to tell you what I really feel towards you. I took a huge leap ahead, not minding the fact that we weren't really friends to begin with. I didn't mind all the differences and I stopped thinking for a while about the cons of what I was about to do. I just suddenly felt the urge to tell it you that day. I didn't care anymore. I was so done pretending that I didn't like you even though my actions were pretty obvious. I was so done hiding.

It's funny because at the end of the day, I did end up hiding. After my huge confession, I ended up crying in the hidden staircase of our school, bawling into tears while my bestfriend was trying to comfort me. You didn't say anything. You just smiled and awkwardly nodded. I didn't want to add shame to myself so I just smiled and said ""Okay, that's all"" and awkwardly walked away. I pretended to be fine, laughing along as my friends were watching me but as soon as I was alone with my bestfriend, everything just came out. The pain, the tears, everything I've tried to keep for the past months. And as I was crying that day, I promised myself one thing. I would never ever be stupid again. That I would move on and scrape you out of my life.

I thought I did though. Junior year came and he was still my classmate. Nothing was awkward with him because we never really talked. I was in the other side of the classroom while he was seated on the other side. I had convinced myself at the half of the year that I was finally healed. But when news flash came in and I found out that the girl he's been trying to court for a while was now his girlfriend, I was so devastated. Again came that night when I was curled up in my bed while crying myself to sleep. I couldn't tell anyone that I was hurting, not even my bestfriend. I knew why I didn't want to tell anyone. I was afraid. Absolutely and completely terrified of what they'll say, or what they'll think. Because deep down inside, I knew that I was still in love with him. I knew that he still meant a lot to me. I still love him, I really do. It sucks because I have fallen deeply already. Way deep underground and I can't do anything to stop. I feel so helpless and uncontrollable because even I can't stop myself from hurting.