Kwentong Kolehiyo

Left Behind

I started as your confidant, a platonic friend who constantly listens to your problems. I was at first aloof of your constant messages, and persistence of opening a conversation. Avoiding you is my way of rejection, because I can't befriend you. Then came one day, I got tired of your little hi’s and realized that you might just need a friend who isn’t part of your clique. 

You opened up everything to me, from academic problems, family misunderstandings, how your day went, and relationship issues. It seems like I was your diary, a friend who listens and advices the way you need it. I tried to understand everything you shared with me, and kept them in a chamber behind my mind where no one can unlock it. I slowly became your confidant, your adviser, and your best friend. 

Gradually, I became part of your circle and your friends knew me as well. Until I suddenly notice some difference. Your looks became intimate, our conversations got deeper, the time we spent together became longer, and we got out of the circle and went on our own- just the two of us. People around us started to doubt what are we, and I also begin to find my place. Who am I to you? What are we? What is this kind of feeling? These dilemmas gave me hell, until I decided to confront you. You honestly told me that we are something more, that you will fool yourself if you told me that we are just merely friends. Hearing those words coming directly from you suddenly freaks me. I was alarmed, knowing that this thing isn’t right. 

So I sent you away, saying that you just misconceive the feelings you felt for me. We just spent more time together than we should, and we just got used to each other’s presence. You told me that you will fix things for me, but I didn’t hold on to that. I’ve told you to work things out, because it is the right thing to do. My presence is just giving you a crux to decide on, and I shouldn’t be in this situation in the first place anyway. We slowly drifted away, and live our lives before we met. 

A few months passed, and I didn’t hear anything from you. That made me feel relieved, and told myself that I made the right decision, and said the right words. But you came back, telling me that the thing you previously had was already gone. You have decided to end the toxic relationship you had, telling me that your efforts weren’t reciprocated, and things can’t work out anymore. You told me that you continuously thought about me, and asked me to give it a try. You promised me that I can now hold on to you, things will be right, and you don’t want me to go. I saw the sincerity in your eyes, and I believed in you.

Things went smoothly for the two of us, were just purely happy together and it is evident with our smiles. People around us are happy too, like they’ve already expected this to come. Being with you is my happiest, and your efforts made me fall even more. You are showing me to the world like you are too proud to have me, you held me like you don’t want to let me go, your eyes smiles with your heart by just looking at me, and your kisses tastes like cotton candy. My happiness is overflowing, and I can’t find the right words to explain how this love drives me crazy. 

One day you dropped by to send me some sweets to indulge in, and said good luck before driving home. It was one of those random days that your thoughtfulness makes my day, but I was unaware that it will also be the last sweet thing you’ll do for me. 

A sudden jolt pinched my nerves after reading your message that night, telling me that you are already ending the thing between the two of us. I was dumbfounded; I don’t know how to react, I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know what to feel at that moment. You later told me that you didn’t really broke up, and you were given a last chance to choose. And you did not choose me. 

I questioned myself, my decisions, my actions, and my heart for betraying me like this. I was wondering what went wrong, until I realized that it was all wrong from the very start. I should have chosen my battles, because this is the kind of game I could never really win. I don’t have the right to fight at all. I felt helpless. I felt used. I was completely unaware of what’s happening, and I don’t have the intentions to wreck someone else’s feelings. But I still did. 

It’s been months now, but it seems like it was just yesterday; haunting me like I am a criminal. I can’t describe the kind of pain I am feeling every time I accidentally heard your name, and it seems like you are everywhere I go. I should be okay by now, but I am not. I can’t find my way back to be happy again, because this emptiness is slowly killing me. The struggle is real, and I’m recovering very slow. I was left behind without a decent goodbye, and it appears to be like I was just some kind of a regret; a mistake that you want to undo. That I don’t even deserve and explanation for everything that had happen. It’s so unfair. 

I keep feeding my mind that I will get through this, that you just came into my life and went away to make me stronger. I have been in a wrong situation, but that shouldn’t make me less of a person of who I really am. I am having a hard time coping up, but instead of giving myself false hopes, I hope that you are already happy and you won’t need another me. I’m hoping for the happiness of us both, it just takes time for me to get there. Maybe you would have stayed if I haven’t left you first. It is truly painful to be left like this, and to be judged by people around me not knowing what had happen. But I’m trying my best to be strong and move forward, because life doesn’t end here. 

I know you will soon figure out that I wrote this for you, and at that moment I hope I have already forgiven you. 

Lou
2008
Faculty of Arts and Letters