Kwentong Kolehiyo

Deadman Walking

There are a lot of things that start to bug me these past few days.

I had a boyfriend, he's my first. I didn't expect that we would have our own story. Well he was my crush back in highschool but i never really imagined that he'll be my boyfriend. As i remember, our story started when we both found out that we had a crush on each other. But things are really rough that time, two of our classmates had a crush on him ( which he knew). He started to message me on fb, we talk and talk and talk as if we were really close. Then that day came, he asked me if he could be my bf. I was really hesitant that time 'cause i'm not allowed to have a relationship yet. But he was so persuasive. Then i said yes. ( Unfortunately, i didn't thought what could be the outcome of my decision.) The two girls who had a crush on him started to ignore me. But they didn't ignore him. I was like ""WTF??!! am i the one who's responsible for this shit?"" (which soon enough i found the answer and it was a fucking YES) .

days, months, year had passed and we're still together. We're both accepted in the same school, same course and same block (what a shitty life). I found out he's cheating. He's flirting the girl who had a crush on him. Could you imagine the pain? Many thoughts came into my mind. As i read their convo, my heart was pounding. What's worst is the fact that he was the one who obviously flirting. They were close even before me. I want to ask why? Why did you let us have our story if you can have yours. Why did you let me enter the picture that could be only you and her. I never asked you to like me. I never asked you to be part of my life. I never asked you to love me. But you did. I felt that i was a big hindrance to the both of you. I was willing to give up my title as a gf but you said you can't lose me. I forgave you half-heartedly. And our story goes on.

Because of some reason he decided to end up our relationship. I was deeply hurt because I knew I can fight for us but he chose to give up. I still love him, and what hurt the most is that behind all of the struggles that we had i still see him as a perfect man. The kind of man to whom a girl would wish to spend her forever with. I asked him a favor to please don't have any relationship yet as long as we still see each other (we're block mates remember? so, technically speaking not unless we graduate.) I know its kind of selfish to ask. He agreed, so i thought everything would be fine.

I still stalk him on every social media account he have and found out that he had a crush on one of our block mates (which is one of the new friends that i have after we broke up). Yes, i was torturing myself. I got distracted on my studies. I missed a lot of requirements to pass. I had many absences. I felt my world was falling to pieces. The semester ended and it was a hell sem for me. I even let myself to join a new group to avoid the girl (unfortunately i don't think they know that i knew the portrait he gave to her). I was so desperate to seek refuge.

The next thing i knew, he's trying to bring me back. Because i'm stupid enough, i let him to enter my world again. But that didn't last long.

And now here i am again, starting to be a mess once again.

I don't know if someone would recognize me through this. But i want to say something to all those people who got involved in this shitty part of my life.

K,
Hi. smile emoticon I want to say sorry for everything. Well i already had the chance to make things up to you and thank you for that. I hope we could be friends again.

T,
Hi. Sorry. Sorry because i didn't thought of my decision a hundred times. Sorry because i didn't think of what would you feel. Well, i know you already moved on but i still want to say sorry.

H and friends,
Maybe it's still a mystery to you why i left the group or if you already knew the reason you'll find it shitty. I'm sorry guys. I'm sorry for leaving without a word. Sorry for being a coward to face that kind of situation. Sorry for not trying to tell you my problem. Sorry for not considering that you might understand me. Sorry for everything.

Kuya,
Thank you for being my 'sandalan' every time. Thank you for listening to my unending rants and love problems. Thank you for giving words of wisdom. Thank you for everything.

Ikaw,
Thank you for everything. I'm sorry if i couldn't be the best. I'm sorry for everything. I forgive you. But please let the time heal me first. (being selfish again xD) Sorry.

This confession might seem to be dramatic. Others might think i'm too emotional in handling this shit. Well yes, i'm too emotional because i don't really know how to handle this anymore. Many people are already involved; i don't want to add some anymore.

To my current group:
Sorry guys. Here i am again, starting from the bottom. I want to thank you for accepting me to be part of the group. Thank you for being my refuge. Sorry for being too emotional. I'm afraid you'll find me weird haha. I'm okay.

To the reader:
Yes you reached the end. Congratulations smile emoticon. Thank you for reading this. Thank you for the time. Sorry for too much drama in life.

I'm hesitant to send this because i'm afraid what others would tell or think me. But I'm more afraid of what could it do to me if i hide if forever.

Thank you. God bless.

takehome
2014
psych