Kwentong Kolehiyo

Be Patient

I first had a boyfriend when I was 14. I wasn't rushing into love, I tell you. I didn't ask for it to happen but unexpectedly, it was there. Hindi na ako nanlaban o humindi. Tama nga sila (the elders), kapag tinamaan ka na ng lintik, wala ka nang palag. The relationship went on for 1 and half year. It was one hell of a painfully crazy rollercoaster ride. I risked everything in order to sustain whatever I had during that time. I risked my parents' trust, the joy of closely watching my little siblings' childhood, the company of good friends, the salutatorian title, the chance to study in a prestigious university abroad and I ended up losing it all. Sobrang dami nang investments ko sa relasyon na 'yon pero hindi nagwork out kasi puro ako lang ang namuhunan. One-sided pero hindi naman siguro all the time. He loved me and he did an awful lot of things to remind me that but it wasn't enough.

The thing here is, it ended because he cheated on me. He was away for quite some time. Akala ko faithful because that was what he claimed he was. I trusted him. Nalaman ko na lang na may iba siyang girlfriend and nabuntis pala niya 'yong babae. He said, mas mahal niya ako but I let him go, anyway. Hindi sapat ang salita lang.

I've been single for four years now. Masasabi kong naging okay naman na ako pero hindi ko maipagkakailang my past fucked up my present self. I was haunted by that relationship na feeling ko I won't be able to find another guy who will love me truly. Hindi na ako naniniwala sa konsepto ng pag-ibig. Uso pa ba 'yon ngayon? I became cold and bitter. I didn't curse love, though. I didn't close any doors.

That's why when I met Andrew (not his real name) through my best friend, okay lang sa akin. This guy and I became good friends. Inseparable, even. Sweet siya, good listener and tinutulungan niya ako in my Math subjects. Kahit ilang oras ang pagitan ng break at dismissal namin, lagi pa rin niya akong hinihintay. Lagi pa kaming nagkakatext; sa umaga pagkagising hanggang sa gabi bago matulog. Minsan, we would sing each other to sleep. Nakagawian na namin ang gano'n. Inihahatid-sundo niya ako (he's from QC and I'm from Makati kaya mej nalunod ako sa effort niya). Sinubukan kong hindi lagyan ng malisya ang lahat kasi sabi ko, gusto ko rin ng guy best friend baka siya na nga 'yon until one day, umamin siya na mahal niya daw ako. He befriended me kasi he wanted to get to know me. Noong una niya daw akong makita, he was captivated and from that moment, he knew who he wanted to be with for the rest of his life: me.

It changed things for me. No matter how his confession made me feel special, I decided to distance myself from him. Iniwasan ko na siya. Hindi ko na siya pinansin. I have this rule kasi na kapag tropa, tropa lang talaga. I even flirted with other boys para pagselosin siya, para itaboy siya palayo but he didn't budge. Instead, he stayed. He became more patient. Araw-araw niyang pinatunayan na hindi siya tulad ng iba. He wooed me. He wanted me back, he said. Kahit friends lang daw. Sinusungitan ko siya but I still accepted his letters (I read all of them by heart) and the roses (I kept them in between pages of my favorite books). FIRST TIME KONG MAKATANGGAP NG LOVE LETTERS AND FLOWERS IN MY ENTIRE LIFE MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS!!!! I WAS FLOORED. HINDI KO NAMAN KAMUKHA SI MAMA MARY!!!! AKALA KO KASI MGA SANTA AT SANTO LANG ANG INAALAYAN NG MGA GANO'N GANO'N. Hindi ko naman maitatagong may nararamdaman din ako sa kanya, na kinikilig kilig ako kapag nandyan siya at kapag nag-eeffort siya para sa akin pero takot na akong masaktan. I've been fucked up and over before, hindi imposibleng mangyari 'yon ngayon. I got scared shitless and worse, naduwag ako. Noong 20th birthday ko, he wrote me a very long letter, gave me flowers and a book that I've been lusting on for months na hindi ko mabili bili dahil sa wala akong time para basahin 'yon. On the last page of that book, he attached a sticky note saying, ""I'm very thankful to the high heavens that I've come to know you. You are a sweet and caring soul. You have such a kind heart. I'm so lucky to have you in my life. For now, this is goodbye."" His words saddened me pero I didn't dare ask kung saan siya pupunta or kung ano bang mangyayari sa amin. I simply let it pass pero mahal ko na siya. His absence didn't change the fact that I loved him.

He transferred to another school. Nawala siya for a while but out of nowhere, he reappeared. This time, he was even more sure of his feelings for me. To make the long story short, I gave him a chance. Sabi ko, bahala na masaktan kasi lahat naman nasasaktan sa pag-ibig. Kung masaktan man ako, worth it. Pinakilala ko pa siya sa parents ko (kung dati, hindi sila cool na may lalaki sa buhay ko; ngayon, okay na sa kanila). He had my friends' approval, too. Grand gestures here and there, assurances here and there. Masaya kami. Sobrang saya. He never failed to surprise me everyday, to make me happy. Nakaalign na ang lahat no'n. Pati na siguro mga bituin sa langit, mga planeta sa kalawakan. Aahhhh, shocks, 'pag in love nga naman. Everything was perfect ('yong bf-gf label na lang 'yong kulang) until...

Late last year, two nights before siya magpropose sa 'kin (nalaman ko because my friends told me na they've been planning with him for weeks kung paano nila gagawin, kung paano nila ako isusurprise), HE DIED IN A CAR ACCIDENT. That night, tama siguro na I felt extra clingy sa kanya. Hindi ko alam na 'yon na pala 'yong huling time na masasabihan ko siya ng ""I love you"", na mayayakap ko siya ng mahigpit, na maamoy 'yong pabango niya, na mahahawakan ko 'yong kamay niya, na maririnig ko 'yong boses niya. Hindi ko alam. Wala akong kamalay-malay. In a snap, it happened. Nawala na lang bigla 'yong lalaking pinakamamahal ko. I can't explain how painful it was to sit on my bed at 3AM with my parents who didn't know which to do first: hug me or leave me alone to cry. I was shocked by the news (sino bang hindi?). My ears rang from listening to his mom's muffled voice and sobbing on the phone. My eyes hurt from too much crying. Una kong naisip, if only I could turn back time... Sana sinulit ko 'yong oras na nandito pa siya. Sana hindi ako natakot. Sana hindi ako naduwag. Pero gano'n talaga 'no, nasa huli ang pagsisisi.

To you, my angel, I love you! I find peace knowing that I once made you happy (Your family told me so. Halos 3 years mo na daw pala akong kwinikwento sa kanila. Hindi mo lang ako magawang lapitan dati dahil ang sungit sungit ko.) Dapat ako ang magpasalamat ng todo sa high heavens 'cos I've come to know you. Thank you for loving me even just for a short forever! 

To the readers, pahalagahan n'yo 'yong mga taong mahal n'yo baka sooner or later, mawala siya tapos hindi n'yo pa nasasabing mahal n'yo sila or hindi n'yo nagagawang patunayan na mahal n'yo nga sila. Treasure them. And also, baka nasa tabi tabi lang 'yong mga taong nagmamahal pala sa inyo ng tunay, hinihintay lang ang tamang chance. Be patient.

Lei 
2011 
College of Nursing