Kwentong Kolehiyo

Confession of an Unconfessed Love

I used to love a guy way back in college. I loved him so much, that I even did stupid things for him. From 2nd to 4th year college, I was at his side. Reviewer during exam, partner during projects, alarm clock to wake him up early, a front to cover him up to our professors, photocopier when he failed to copy notes, thesis mate, etc. In simple words, I was his hidden lover who unselfishly made things happened for his happiness. I took the risk of loving him though uncertain if he would love me back. No single moment when we were together did I tell him much I loved him. I feared to confess my feelings. I feared that he might feel awkward. I feared that he would completely ignore me and things changed between us. I was contented then to simply express my love through actions, actions that bluntly spoke of my great love for him, actions that he never stopped me doing, actions that put us in the middle of attention of our classmates and friends. We were constantly teased and that I failed to ask if it was fine for him to be linked with me. Somehow, I thought that those teases were made to let him realized that what I felt for him was genuine. But, words from my own tongue were not said because I feared a lot. Honestly, I hoped that probably through all the things I have done, I won him and he would be the first one to tell his feelings. However, I never heard of any words of confirmation from him that I'd been longing for to hear all those time. Before our graduation, we had a conversation (I saved the conversation as an email draft). He assured me that even if we would not see each other often times, he would not forget me. Our graduation was the last time I saw him in person. Years passed. I continuously contacted him through Facebook and text messages. However, he rarely replied. His promise that we would sustain our connection became a doubt in my mind. I even tried to convince myself that he was a user as what my classmates thought of him. It was a great pain thinking that the person who promised you of not leaving were slowly getting out of your reach. I just gave up the idea that one day, he would tell me that he has learned to love me as well. Time flied and I realized that there was no pain and bitterness that I felt in my heart. I moved on with my feelings for him. Until now, we still used to talk in Facebook about our endeavors in life. I am still comfortable telling him about my struggles in life. In fact, when I was in great need, he helped me in the best that he could. However, the intensity and eagerness of talking with him everyday are gone. My love for him just subsided.

Though it was years back, I somehow regret that I failed to speak to him how much I loved him before. WHAT IF he was just pressured then by our classmates that's why he kept his feelings? WHAT IF he was afraid to try because he feared what his family would say to him if they learn that he is not straight? WHAT IF he was able to love me as well? WHAT IF until now he is waiting for me to say I LOVE YOU!

Mr. Unrequited
2011
College of Education