Kwentong Kolehiyo

To The Man I Know I Cannot Have

The man I am secretly in love with

It has been more than 3 months since I first laid my eyes on you. I know it was only for a split second and never thought it would play a big part on my life. Aside from the keypad tones, blank stares, awkward looks of strangers inside that room were your voice and the one you were talking to. I never thought of meeting you or seeing you again. I have no idea who you were. I didn't care anyway but yeah I judged you. You were talkative in that room and inside my head I was even calling you "Epal" and then once I got inside our car, all I could tell my mom was that there's this guy in that room who I found so intimidating which was you.
Dear Readers,
Ya'll probably hate me now.

Anyway, I had a "boyfriend" that time. I love him so much. Scratch that. I LOVED him so much.
Okay a brief background story of me and my Ex or Ex lover because we were never official.
My mom and my friends didn't like him but I didn't listen to them. Still, I tried finding ways of seeing him. I was a hopeless romantic. I wrote him letters whenever we fight over small things. Small fights. Fights that made him snob me for the whole night or reply my Iloveyous with "K." or "Ah ganun" and I always end up as the bad person and appear guilty. Samantalang kapag ako ang sinuyo, hindi ko siya kayang tiisin ng ganoon kasi kapag nagalit ako, galit na rin siya at ako naman ang magmumukhang masama, bottom line, ako na naman ang susuyo. Yes. Ako parating sumusuyo. And yes. Babae ako. I just don't want to be like my parents na sobrang ma-pride kaya in as much ayaw kong ipadanas sa kanya iyon. I'd cry the whole night then he'll just talk to me the next day. We always had these dramas. Yes. We are immature. Ano naman alam namin sa relasyon, di ba? Mga bata lang kami. He was my first and all. We were both just highschool students. Sige! Husgahan ninyo. Hindi naman lahat alam sa umpisa eh. Hindi naman matalino agad agad eh. But yeah, those are the things I didn't know then. Those are the things I wished I knew before. Anyway, we are taught by experiences. By heartaches.
I know right from the start may ugali siya na masyadong pabebe HAHAHAHA pero kasi knowing his background, I understood it. I used that as an excuse sa ugali niyang ayaw ko kasi umasa rin ako eh. Umasa ako na mababago ko siya. Umasa ako na I will be able to make him feel na hindi siya mag-isa. Ang hindi mangulila. I want him to be happy and I felt that obligation to make him happy. Gusto ko na sa panahon na gusto niyang mayroong tao para diyan sa kanya, ako ang unang taong nasa tabi niya. Gusto kong gawing makulay ang buhay niya. But I guess tama ang sabi nila "I wanted to fix you, but I broke myself instead" hanggang sa may nagbalita sa akin na may nililigawan siyang bago. Shet! Bakit bigla na lang nang-iwan sa ere? Ang alam ko lang iniiwasan niya ako ng mga nagdaang araw. Bakit? Tapos ganito maririnig ko? Nagalit ako. Iniwasan ko siya. Nagalit din siya sa akin at pinagmukha pa akong masama. Na ako pa ang may dahilan. Sinubukan kong kalimutan siya pero bakit ganoon? lumipas lang ang mga araw, sa tuwing nakikita ko siya, sinasampal lang sa akin ang katotohanan na hindi ko kayang mag-move on sakanya na lintek! Ilang buwan ko pa lang siya kilala pero nagawa kong mahalin siya ng ganito kasobra. Humingi lang siya ng patawad sa text at chat, unti unti na naman kaming naging okay. Inisip ko na lang na paninira lang sakanya iyong "panliligaw" niya sa iba. Ganoon ako katanga sakanya noon. Hindi ko alam kung anong ginawa niya pero bilib ako sa gayuma niyang gago siya. Nagreklamo pa nga na bakit pakiramdam niya daw hindi bumalik ang tiwala ko sakanaya. Malamang, kasalanan niya eh but I believed he changed. No. Maybe, I was wrong. Maybe, I just made myself believe in that.
Umasa nga pala ulit ako. Umasa na baka this time narealize niya na talaga na mahal niya na ako. Na ako lang ang babaeng dapat mahalin niya. Na tama ako na binigyan ko siya ng second chance Maybe he did love me. Maybe I was the only one.
I tried to picture those eyes I used to stare at. Remember the nose and the lips, the body that I used to embrace. Man! I pictured myself being with him until the end. To have his surname. To let my children carry it. Oh boy, It seemed that I was so sure. I was young. I still am.
Naniwala akong "Love conquers all" and that one day I'll be able to prove those people who doubted our relationship that they are wrong. Naniwala akong kakayanin namin ang Long Distance Relationship maski sa totoo lang, to be honest, I had the doubt that we won't make it but I tried to prove myself that I am wrong and that actually we can "make it through the rain" but reality showed me so many reasons why we shouldn't push this through. We said "push it to the limit" and yes, we've reached our limits. I gave up. I got tired. I got tired of trying to understand him. My patience ran out. I want him to know I tried.