Kwentong Kolehiyo

Begin Again

WARNING: some words used in this story may not be appropriate for all audiences. you have been warned smile emoticon

hi bestfriend!! i wouldn't expect you to read this. you're from ateneo and i dont think you read posts from this page, but f*ck it.

how are you?? i haven't heard from you in a while now. you're probably busy with your org stuff and your studies. or, at least that's what you tell me everytime i chat with you. though there was a time when i went to a party there and i was sooooo lucky to see you. you really have changed. apparently, you go to parties now!! i even remembered the times when you would get angry at me for being lazy and not studying for a quiz when we were in high school. i was so happy to finally see you again. it's been what, almost a year since we last had a decent conversation with each other. we traveled along a rough road during the past 4 years. well, i'll admit that that was all because of me. i mean, what kind of a guy falls in love with his bestfriend right??

but i accepted it all. the rejection, the "let's just stay as bestfriends" talks, the nights when you would call me because your boyfriend was being a douche and he fell asleep so you would call me instead, the unrequited love. i swallowed my pride (you of all people know how i hate lowering my pride for anyone or anything) and accepted it all because i didnt want to lose you.

i stood by you during the time when he disappointed you with his prom-posal. i even planned on giving you the prom-posal that you wanted even if he was already your date. dont get me wrong. i wasnt planning on stealing you. i just wanted you to feel what it was like to have someone ask you to prom in an extraordinary way instead of receiving it through a F*CKING TEXT MESSAGE.

i stood by you when he couldnt stay overnight during our grad party. that was the time when you really opened up to me about him, your family issues, the pressure that you're getting from everyone. your eyes got really teary and i felt really sad for you. so i stood up from that god damned staircase where we were pouring our hearts out to each other and grabbed my gift for you. do you remember that?? the silver necklace that i gave to you with a heart pendant with a heart-shaped hole in it?? then you smiled at me. and i swear to god, that was when you were at your prettiest. then it was my turn to open up. that was the first time that i cried my eyes out in front of a girl. again, i lowered my pride. how couldnt i?? it all came rushing back to me. 4 years of hurting and bearing with this pain in my heart. and all of it; the sleepless nights, the time that i sacrificed, the money that i spent, the bottles of alcohol that i drank, the packs of cigarettes that i smoked. all of it was because i loved you. i loved you even if it was unrequited. i didnt care about what my friends said. i was selfless. i always put you first. but i guess, i was also stupid.

all i can do now is thank you for everything that we shared. for everything that you taught me. for everything that i learned. and i really hope that you're finally happy with him. i hope that he'll FINALLY take care of you now, treat you like the way you should be. after a few months, i ""moved on"". well, sort of. i dont need to cry anymore, i feel happy. though there's still this hole in my heart. a hole that, as of now, nothing can fill.

until i met this girl. my new blockmate. she was pretty. a chinita (my bestfriend is also a chinita. i have a thing for chinitas). we "talk" occasionally. we're not really that close yet. i mean, we are friends now. but, fuck she's just so pretty. and i really want to know her better and be close to her and what not. but i'm really scared. scared that it might happen all over again. im scared that she might not be able to fill the hole. or worse, if she manages to fill it, but leave an even bigger one. im afraid to feel what i felt with my bestfriend. im afraid to be attached to someone because it'll hurt like hell again when i need to detach from her. im scared of being hurt again. i really dont know what to do. i dont want to feel like im alone, but being alone is when i feel safest. im confused. how do i begin again?

ninJa 

2014 
Faculty of Engineering